this is me: the real me.

"If we could read the secret histories of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

- Longfellow

"Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear- abandonment."

"over the years we've come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them"

"The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you"

These quotes come from a book I'm reading that a good friend gave to me earlier this year called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. This book is wrecking me- in a good way (i guess). Its tearing down my guard and hitting closer to the vest than I'm normally comfortable with. It's a book about womanhood and being the woman that God has created you to be and how life/childhood has shaped you, and it's caused me to look a lot deeper into my own life.

Warning: This is where I'm going to get real.

I've always been overweight, ever since I was little. I can't remember not having a soda or being told that I couldn't eat something. "no" didn't exist. It became a bigger issue the older that I got. I never really knew why I ate, but looking back it was because food=love. When I ate, I felt loved, accepted, and appreciated. Food can't reject you. I found the love I longed for in relationships with my dad and others in food. Ultimately coming up short because in being overweight I turned away acceptance of others. A vicious cycle I've battled for years.

My parents got divorced when I was around 11. It wasn't a surprise or shock to me, but attending a private school it was not socially kosher. The "special" treatment I got from teachers and other classmates didn't help my fears of fitting in. And the actual divorce left me feeling like no relationships would ever work out. I became very amiable at this point in my life. I wanted to please any and every one, so that maybe, just maybe, some one would appreciate and love me for it. I found that I was never enough for most people. My mom and my grandmother (Gran) were always supportive and reassuring, struggling with the same acceptance and people pleasing issues that I was stumbling into.

This continued throughout high school, and quite possibly worsened. After friend changes and feeling at times unwanted and unneeded, I drowned myself in school work and family. I emotionally distanced myself from "friends" because why would someone want to be friends with me?

It wasn't until the lonely desolate days of my freshman year of college that I figured it out. I felt accepted and loved by people I had only known for a few weeks! I turned to God summer before college and said "I want to be loved for who I am, because You created me and I know that means I am valuable." and thats exactly what happened. I felt valuable. I have friends who love my quirkiness and my annoying mothering of them. I have friends who appreciate my heart and understand the way I get hurt and how my mind operates. I have friends now who are trying to heal the wounds left from my past. God gave me sisters.

Some say that wounds make you who you are; that they shape you and form you. But in Captivating, I'm learning to appreciate a new perspective on brokenness. In the garden of Eden, Eve sinned & all of humanity fell away from God. If this had not happened, we wouldn't feel a lack of intimacy with God or each other. We wouldn't feel inadequate or not enough, and we wouldn't hurt one another. And we wouldn't try to control our lives once bad things happen.

So, starting now, I'm going to tear down my guard, brick by brick, and trust in God that being vulnerable to these same hurts and heartaches is in His plan. Because brick walls don't only keep out further hurt, they keep in the past. I encourage you to tear yours down too. We can do it together.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

"There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Its nights like this, where I'm laying alone in my bed after a fabulous day of being at home that I wonder why being away is so great. It makes me think. I like being home. It's comfortable, and safe, and well, familiar. But I know that after about a week, I'll be going stir crazy for some shenanigans with my college family. Nights like tonight, with my best friend of 6 years - correction-- sister-- make me think that I don't need anything else. I just need home, love, and family. Life is full of complicated situations and unnecessary drama, why can't it just be as simple as "love." My friend had a shirt on that said "Live Simply," and I've been wondering "what does simply mean?" Does it mean less stuff? Less people? Less distraction? What? I think it looks different for different people, but basically just don't complicate your life. Keep to the necessities. And for me, that means I don't need much to survive: loving family & friends, a place to sleep, and a good book.

Be thankful for the ones in your life that you consider in your inner circle. The ones you can bear your soul to. Because those are rare individuals and rare friendships.

I feel things changing around me, and I think its now that I need to be consciously thankful of who I have in my life because I don't know how long each of them will be there.

Lastly, tonight I thought about support & encouragement. If you have someone that is always your cheerleader and support, thank them. Switch roles and support them in something. Appreciate them.

People can suck sometimes. They disappoint us. They make mistakes they can't take back. They turn on us. BUT most of all, the good ones, love us in the end. We all have faults. You can't heal the brokenness with more hate.

finished

fin·ished/ˈfiniSHt/

Adjective:

(of an action, activity, or piece of work) Having been completed or ended. (of a person) Having completed or ended an action or activity: "they'll be finished here in an hour".

I'm done with the semester.

This has been the most challenging semester yet both academically and emotionally. I've grown leaps and bounds. I've learned in the classroom and out. I've found out who I am. For now. I'm confident in the woman God created me to be. I know that His plan is steady & sure. I know He carries me.

I have my insecurities, my unsure-ities, and my failures. I have my failed expectations, and my mistakes. But God loves me despite them. He heals them & makes up for them.

This semester, I took an immunology course (the study of the immune system). In it, I learned all about how the body fights against infection and pathogens. How these minute cells keep our bodies from being overtaken by invaders. How insanely awesome is just that fact alone?!?! God designed those CELLS. How much more did he design US?

My favorite are the helper T cells (CD4+ T cells) because they do just that: They "help" other cells do their jobs. They don't get the credit for killing the pathogen but without them, killing wouldn't occur. They're the behind the scenes key players. They don't want the glory or the fame; they just want to help.

I'm like a T helper cell. I just want to help, but in helping sometimes I have to

sacrifice myself.

Now that I'm done with school for a little while, I'm going to take myself back for a while. I need to be refilled by my Creator and Maker. I need to be reminded of His love for me, His plan for me, and His purpose.

To Him be the Glory.

In this time of Christmas, I am reminded that I am not enough. Nothing that I do will ever be enough and in no way can I earn place to be enough. However, there is this amazing man, depicted throughout the Bible, who was born a man and was willing to die - to be enough - for my sins.

I read John 20 last night, about the death & resurrection of Christ. It never ceases to amaze me. It seems so simply, clear cut, and easy to comprehend but really its profound! This man - the SON of GOD - chose to come & DIE for me.

Why? So I would be seen as enough.

Because Christ died for me, I am covered in the Book of Life. I am enough because God sees Jesus' death in place of my own.

Single-handedly, I will never be enough. I will fail every time. I'm human, I let people down, I screw up, I say things I shouldn't, I make mistakes. But with Christ, I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I am never alone in my suffering, troubles, tribulations, rejoicing, or praising.

Christ is in me.

Thanksgiving

Be thankful, thankful for the good, fun, friends, family, and many blessings of life as well as the bad, ugly, disappointing, messy parts of life. Because what was once ugly is now beautiful, what was once a closed door is now opened, and what was once messy has been cleaned. That's the beauty of this sinful world, there's a Savior who came and died in order that we dont have to. We have been redeemed, therefore, our life here on Earth may have pitfalls and troubles, but we are promised eternity in Heaven.

Have a beautiful Thanksgiving everyone!

God bless!

pondering and wandering

In the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about trust and where I put mine.

Who do I trust? With what?

I've come to the conclusion that I haven't trusted God with much. at all.

I tend to love being in control of my own life. Isn't that awful?

I have a really hard time just letting go & giving it up to God.

In times of trouble, I tend to turn to anyone other than God. That is a BAD realization to have. Its one of those things where I really WANT to lean on the Lord but because I can't physically hear the Lord giving me the advice that I want. Well, one of my good friends posed a great question "But can't you feel him & hear him?"

**Light bulb moment** I've never thought of it that way. Who did I think gave me the people around me? Where did I think their words came from?

God. duh. He puts these people into your life, He gives them the words they say to you, He gives you the strength to move over the next hurdle.

So, I am no longer placing the majority of my trust in earthy people.

I am placing my trust in God alone. Because He is good.

you should too.

closer

The past few weeks have been full. Full of homework, classes, obligations, friends, pain, stress, love, phone calls home, disney movies, and -lets be real- sugar. But most of all, they have been full of God. The parts that I love about each of these things is that God is in them. Now, some of you may say that God is not in our pain, but really, He is the one who heals us. God is in our classes, our homework, and obligations because this is His purpose for our "right now," to get us to our future. These are all things I've been thinking about lately. How God puts us on Earth for only a short time but even shorter is the time we spend in one place/in certain circumstances. In my life, I have take for granted the fluidity of life. It is ever changing and moving, and honestly it doesn't care if you want to move with it or not. God has put us here to adapt to our environment, to thrive in the place that He has placed us, much like animals in their habitats. We are constantly adapting to our environment. Don't think that I am saying to conform to this world- because that is exactly the opposite of what I am saying. I am saying that we each have unique purposes God has given us and that in order to fulfill those purposes we must adapt and become content/able to thrive in the conditions He has placed us in. I don't know what this may look like for you, but I know that its a hard reality- we are not put on earth for our own gain or satisfaction. We were put here for the sole purpose of glorifying the Most High, whether it is in Nashville, TN, Los Angeles, or Hong Kong. No matter if we are alone or with others, single or married, old or young. We are HIS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B07iK9uh9qY&feature=related

take a deep breath and let it go.

My new mantra.

you see, letting things "go" is a very difficult thing for me to do. its one of those things where I love to be in control of what's going on in my life- i know that sounds awful. but its true. I hold onto way too much. Its my human nature. So, my new thing is to just let it go. That doesn't mean to just be lazy and leave it flailing in the wind, but just to not worry about it. Let it go and let God. Life is way way too short to not enjoy it and there can be no joy in life if you are always worried about something or someone.

Have a worry free day today:)

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/20-uplifting-quotes-and-pieces

http://polishmycrown.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/thursday-thankful-list/

Needtobreathe-The Reckoning.

Midterms were this week. Stressful for everyone- including/not limited to/and especially me. I was to my wits end, with a lot of things, people and myself. Well, let me tell you just what got me through. The Lord. He's blessed me with people that have pushed me to seek His face in the midst of trouble. And with these people come a safety net, people i know I can count on to hold my hand and keep me up. So, here, breathe as we enter this weekend and know that God loves you. I love you. and you CAN do anything. Nothing is impossible with God on our side.

Happy fall break!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens"

Ecclesiastes 3:1

This is just the beginning to one of my favorite passages of the Bible. One of the girls in my Bible study shared it this week as her favorite verse and it just reminded me of how much I love it. Its deep. I mean, the whole Bible is deep (lets be real) but its resonates with so many people on so many different levels. Even non-Christians will use this passage in funerals or in situations where the outcome isn't as they would have hoped. For me, this is a comforting verse. Its a reminder that life is a cycle. Just as the seasons have their own due time to come and go, so do our emotions, our successes, our failures, and our lives. We are constantly changing and life is always speeding by us quickly. This verse tells me "Hey, its ok to feel this way! its time for that! there will be times for other things. those come later. but first you have to ride out this emotion/feeling/time.

God has a beautiful way of wrecking us, I'd say. He knows just what it takes to rock the boat in such a way that we don't know if we're going to come out floating or sinking. He breaks us. To some people this will sound insane. "What? our good God will break us? No, you're wrong, He would never do that." Well how about that time you got fired? You thought your career and life were over. You had no money, no job prospects, and no future. What came out of that? A better job? with better money? with better hours? Yeah, that was part of the plan. OR how about that relationship? God would never want you to break up with them right? no, you're meant to be? Well, what happened when you broke up? You found the guy that led you to Christ in a way you thought was never possible? A guy who showed you that you deserved more than you ever could have dreamed possible? This guy you will spend the rest of your life with and could not imagine your life without.

Yeah. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. Its rough. Let me tell you. And you probably won't just be broken once. Its a continuous process of being refined. My favorite analogy of this is the one of the coal and the pressure you have to put on it in order for it to be made into a diamond. Something so beautiful, so valuable made out of something ordinarily seen as dirty and insignificant. God does this to us; He puts us under extreme pressures and circumstances that turn us into what He wants us to be.

All of this leads to why I am writing to you now. This week is a hard week for me in all aspects as a student, as a daughter, as a friend, as a loved one, as a human. I have projects and tests scheduled from now until forever (student) not to mention responsibilities that I so well intentionally signed up for but could be in over my head in some of them. I have obligations and expectations put on me by the world, my professors, and by the ones I love, for me to be the best that I can be. However, that "best" comes with a price and there is a standard "best" set. In the nations news, Steve Jobs passed away yesterday, the CEO and founder of Mac/Apple computers. His innovation has driven the world of technology for many many years and will continue to do so; he is considered the Thomas Edison of our time. But most near and dear to my heart is the loss that I am feeling today. The heartache and gap that lie within my chest every day but that is especially aching as I write this. Three years ago today my Gran was reunited with her husband and most importantly her Lord and Savior Jesus. She was removed from my physical sight and touch, but she will forever be my spirit. She looks over me and after me. I feel her presence every day. Her best friend was Jesus and I strive every moment to live like she would. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and hold her for forever. I wish I could have one last hug and one last "I love you a bushel and a peck." And I am comforted in the fact that today she is rejoicing in Heaven with God and welcoming an old friend into the kingdom of Christ.

Today, I watched a speech given by Jobs in 2005, for class. I had never heard him speak before and was astounded at his wisdom and the profound way that he was just real with his audience. In his speech he said several things that I just could not live with myself if I didn't share. His words should live on forever, along with the creations of his mind.

• Don't settle for less. You have to keep looking for what you love whether in work or lovers. Keep looking until you find it
• You can only connect the dots when looking backward, it is impossible to connect them looking forward. Have faith in something that will connect them one day.
• "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish"-- always keep yourself on your toes & alive, create and dream.
• **STOP living someone else's life and start living your own.**

(**my favorite)

Challenge: Think about what you want, where you want to go, and what you want to do. Think about who you want to be and who you will be known as. Don't settle for something less than absolutely perfect. God has a plan for you despite this time in your life.

Gran- I hope I would make you proud. I miss you ever day and cannot wait to get to heaven to be with you. You are my role model and were such an example of the godly woman I want to become. God gained such a beautiful, magnificent soul that day in 2008. I will never forget you.

Romans 8:28

love me for me.

these past two weeks have been filled. filled to the brim with fun, exciting, sometimes stressful, eventful, glorious, beautiful memories. they have been shared with wonderful friends and fabulous family. i was blessed to enjoy a big birthday and then got to share in my closest friend's birthday celebration! it has been a whirlwind, but i wouldn't have it any other way. :)

what i've been learning these past few weeks is that i just want to love people. not in the way that you are probably thinking, not in a worldly way, not in a monetary way, but in a Christ-like way. I want each person that I come into contact with to see Christ's unending love for them. "We love because He first loved us." How much better can we say it? I've endured some frustrations lately in relationships, and I was blinded by that frustration so much that I lost the reality that no matter what, I am called to love those people. (yes, love even the ones that are frustrating or hurtful to you! its hard but Jesus loves us & we frustrate & hurt him every day!!!) If we love each other, how much more compared to that does God love us???!!! I don't know about you, but I have some really great people in my life whom I love deeply. And I just don't know how much more I could fathom loving someone, but Jesus does! What?! This is mind blowing.

I had a bible study last night with some younger girls. It was our first meeting and after all of the get to know you games & introductions, I had the opportunity to share the story of Ruth with them. Ruth is a special book to me. Its one of my favorite stories in the whole Bible simply because it is so simple & straightforward. Naomi & Ruth are alone. Their husbands have died, they have no income or way of providing for themselves besides "gleaning" (picking up the leftover wheat harvest). Ruth goes to glean at Boaz's plantation or farm (I dont know what they would have called it then ha!) & he favors her. He tells his workers to drop a little bit extra for Ruth, so that she would be able to take more wheat home. This is incredible to me! Ruth is a complete stranger to this man. Later, we find out that Boaz is second in line to be the rightful redeemer of Naomi (or Ruth in this case since she is younger). This means that he has the opportunity to marry Ruth in order to provide for her & Naomi. In today's time, this seems like an arranged marriage, like something creepy because Boaz is older. BUT it is so amazing. Boaz loves Ruth. He wants to save her from her widowed state. Think about it as a parallel to God's love for us. Boaz is a rich man. He has everything that he needs but he wants Ruth-- he loves Ruth. We are Ruth. God redeems us from our poverty stricken/widowed state. We are nothing yet He wants to save us. We are unworthy of His love but we receive it anyway.

This is so cool to me.

I know this is long. But I just feel that in these stressful times of first tests, events, obligations, and responsibilities of life we should be reminded that God loves us. John 16:33 says that Jesus overcame the world. He has conquered it all already so we don't have to worry if we have Him on our side.

So, stress no more. Give it to God. Have a great day and know that you are loved! :)

"my momma told me there'd be days like this"

I've been here for what, 2 weeks, now? Crazy, right, how time flies and days fade away? Seems like yesterday I was moving in for Freshman year. And look at me now, a Junior! A lot has changed since then, not only in my classification, but in my mind, my heart, my soul. I mean, really, have you ever thought about what it would be like to have your soul change? How cool it would be to look back after a time & see exactly in what areas you had changed into the person you are now? Not only that but the exact events could be pin pointed? Well this is how I'm feeling in week 2 at school.

I'm homesick. I find myself calling this "home" when it is not my home. Home as my precious roommate said earlier today "is where momma is, and my momma ain't here." Well, I want my momma. I know that I have to grow & (insert cliche) "spread my wings", but i miss the comforts of home.

As a Christian though, I do believe that, yes, home is where your mom is, but its also wherever you are with the Father. And the beautiful thing about that is that God is with us wherever we go. He lives in our hearts, in our minds, and yes, in our souls. See, this is the soul change that I mentioned earlier. I've come to realize and to remember that the Lord lives in me. Everyday when I wake up, He's here. When I go to sleep, He's here. I'm never alone. I'm never alone. You are never alone. I have so many people (including myself) in my life who are fighting battles. These battles, they'll get ya. They eat at you & destroy you from the inside out, but if you remember that God's with you, fighting with you & for you the entire way, then you have a chance of winning.

This year, although it is going to be hard at the beginning, will be the best yet. And this is why: because "although my heart and my flesh may fail God is my strength and my portion forever." God is good and He is all I need. He provides and my joy is found in Him alone.

newness [Ezekiel 37:4]

tomorrow.

wow. it all ends/begins, tomorrow. this summer comes to an abrupt halt as I move in to my new apartment and get prepared for a new year, Junior year to be exact. This will be the start of my third year in college. Thinking back three years ago today, i was a nervous wreck, scared, anxious, and sad to be leaving home. Now, I would love to tell you that it's easier and that I'm just ready to get out, but if I did, I would be lying through my teeth. My family is a really deep part of me; its more than a stable unit with a warm meal on weekends. They are my rock, refuge, and best of friends. My family is my "safe place," a "haven" when all else around me is unstable, and this summer I have thoroughly enjoyed the safety of home.

I am very excited to get back to school, to see what the Lord has in store for me, and to get back to my school "family" that has its own very special place in my heart. There are no better friends than those that I've met in these past 2 years of college. It feels as if we've known each other a lifetime & that kind of friendship is a rarity. God has blessed me so much with these people who not only share my love for our school, hobbies, and spending time together but more importantly we all share a deep love of the Father, which makes our bond exponentially stronger. I cannot describe in words just the impact that they have had on my life and the impact I see them having in the future. Without them, I would, in no way, be the same person that I am today.

So tonight, I reminisce on the fun, relaxing, and carefree summer that I am leaving behind, but I also anticipate the joys and blessings of the coming year. As I have written in the past and eluded to previously, I did not live out the Christian life of dependancy on God last semester as I should have. This not only directly effected my life, but more importantly affected my influence on those around me. For that I will always be incredibly sorry and repentant, knowing that God did things despite my attitude but things would have been easier if only I had obeyed. No regrets though, only learning and growing. God used this "desert road" experience in my life to develop my increased dependence on Him & obedience to His commands. One of my favorite verses and themes of this past summer has been Ezekiel 37:4, where the Lord says that He will replace in you a NEW heart & you become a NEW person in CHRIST. As one of my best friends told me when she was telling me of her summer at sbp, she said "Did you know that when we accept Christ, God sees Christ's perfection instead of our sin? I've never realized that before! HOW COOL?!" Thank the Lord for His mercies every day! Let the glory & praise come to Him this year.

want v. need

There is this constant battle in each of our lives against what we want and what we need. Our hearts are torn between the two & often have them extremely confused.

A little back story on this- I leave for Junior year of college in 12 days- its something I am both anticipating but resenting it at the same time. And all of these thoughts are driving my mind to think of many other battles of my mind.

What I want: love, appreciation, success, forgiveness, encouragement, reinforcement, affirmation, good relationships, Jesus.

(pretty much in this order...this list could go on for days I'm sure, simply because I am human & humans are selfish in nature.)

What I need: Jesus.

I mean isn't that the truth, though? Everything that we want can be achieved if only we accept & go after what we need first. This would be why mom always tells you to eat your dinner before you eat dessert. By having dessert first, we neglect to give our bodies the proper nutrients, although it is really what we think we want.

Redeem my broken soul

Hey God, It's me, Bellamy. I haven't always been who you want me to be. I haven't always been that light to the world. I've hidden it. I've stifled your love to others. I've judged & misunderstood. I haven't been humble or forgiving to loved ones much less strangers. Lord, forgive me, please, restore this broken soul. Put in me a new heart (Ezekiel 37:4). I've let you down in the past God, but I'm only human. Mistakes are my nature & failure is the only thing I'm good at succeeding. However, with YOU, God, Your spirit is in me & "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. I guess it took hitting bottom to look towards You, Lord. How silly is that? How childish to not admit the need of help? God, I admit it now. I need your help. Lord I love you. Thank you for calling me daughter, even though I fall constantly. AMEN.

This post, although it may seem too personal for a blog, I feel like it needs to be shown. I've struggled from January to the end of May at not being good enough. I thought that I wasn't good enough for others much less the Creator of the world. Those were some tough months. I wasn't nice or fun to be around. I put on a happy face but behind clothes doors I was a wreck- conflicted & confused. I tried to look for answers in all of the wrong places. I was mad at God for not giving me what I thought I "needed." That was so stupid of me. Only God knows what I need. In James, it says that God provides for the birds of the air, so how much more will He provide for His children?! and I doubted that. What?! I've never been that person & don't ask why I became that person last semester because honestly I couldn't begin to pinpoint it. I was sad, and why I don't know. All I do know is that I came home for the summer looking for something else. I thought it would be a disappointment & a drag, not because I don't love my family dearly, but because it wasn't what I thought I "needed" like I said earlier. I started comparing my life to others--- let me warn you here: that is NEVER good, no two people are the same & everyone's purpose is uniquely theirs.

So I spent the first few weeks of summer in a tailspin. I was enjoying it but at the same time wishing I was somewhere else. I talked to my best friend- my mom- who knows everything about me. After talking to her, everything changed. I started being content with life & where God had placed me. I learned to appreciate life & the little things just as I always had before that weird 6 month period. I got out of my rut & I don't ever want to go back to that dark place. This summer has been my "God" summer. I've discovered a deeper relationship & dependency on Him that I had started wandering away from. I'm back now, here to stay and I'm happy to say that I'm Bellamy again! :)) I would have never made it out of this past semester without my incredible family that I've already mentioned but most of all the people that I live with- my friends. God has placed all of these people in my life for their own reasons. I heard a quote the other day-- The best part of falling down is the people who help you up. So true. I am so thankful for this summer & how far I've come. Its truly been the best summer of my life.

BRING ON JUNIOR YEAR. I can do anything with Christ & I look forward to the adventure that this next year brings.

breathe

This week has been slightly insane. It was a lot busier than most of my weeks this summer, yet I didn't DO anything. I volunteered, went to class, went to the doctor (found out i'm sick, yuck!), and laid in bed. yeah sounds like i was overwhelmed right?! well actually i was! it was so weird. I did nothing, but it was so tiring. Probably due to the fact that I was sick all week and didn't know it, or maybe because I was catching up from all the sleep I missed on my fabulous July 4th weekend (yeah that was probably it). That was such a good weekend. Blessings were uncovered that I had completely overlooked in my life. Blessings that are so small and seemingly insignificant, but when you discover them you are awestruck with their magnitude. Good, godly friendships are definitely something that I've taken for-granted my entire life. Growing up in the "bubble" I grew up in, it was definitely a shocker when I got to college and everyone hadn't been raised the way I had been raised. Oddly enough, some people's backgrounds don't define where they end up and who they are at this point of life and we had tons in common. This led to a blooming frienship, one in which was, I believe, ordained solely by God. The things that I have learned in the friendships of my short lifetime are just so amazing and awe inspiring. They lead me to the Lord each time I am reminded of them. I constantly turn to God and say, "Wow, Lord you had this planned from Day 1 and I didn't even know." God's plan. Its something that we as Christians often flippantly say. Such as, "Well, it was God's plan I go to Panera today because I had a free pastry on my rewards card!" But the type of God's plan talks I'm talking about it are the ones where that moment in your life, that desert road of a time, that lonely place you thought you would never leave led you to the most joyous and God glorifying place in your life. This plan is GOD ORCHESTRATED.

This summer has had an overall theme of "contentment in Christ" for me. Everything that I wanted for this summer simply did not turn out the way that I wanted to AT ALL. But i've learned to find beauty in the broken-ness and Joy in pain. Because GOD has orchestrated this for me and it is beautiful.

4th of July

best friends are people you trust with your heart, your life, and your secrets. they love you despite your faults and laugh with you, not at you. when you hate the world, they do too, they've got your back no matter what and support you/push you toward your dreams. you may fight or disagree but at the end of the day, you're sisters. there through it all.

this weekend i get to see a few of my best friends from school and home that i haven't seen in a while. i'm too excited for words!

God is good.

"All Alone! Whether you like it or not. Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare so much you won't want to go on." - Dr. Seuss

So, i know its a little lame. But it's Dr. Seuss, he's like the next thing to Shakespeare! haha but this is how i'm feeling and this is what i needed tonight. I needed reassurance that being alone is normal, its something we need! In order for me to be a sane person, I have to be alone for a good amount of time. Its part of life, a season if you will.

Considering this, i am taking a "me" night. well more like a me 18 hours. from now until about 4 tomorrow i will be taking a sabbatical form technology, from worries, from life. I will be reading, reminiscing in some Grey's Anatomy, and spending time with the Lord. I need to regroup, and ground myself in Him.

Sweet summer, you are brutal sometimes.

memories, sweet memories

I haven't blogged in a while, Where did June GO?!?! I cannot believe that summer is halfway over and at the same time I cannot wait for it to be fall again. Time is going by so quickly. Is there some way that I can slow it down? Please?

I was reminded at how fast time goes by this weekend at my grandparent's house. Oh how I love and miss those two people. Who knew that two individuals could create such chasms in my heart? Can one love that much as to be permanently broken by their loss? Oh how i love them. They were my rocks, my supporters. What I would give to hug them one more time or for them to get to see me now. There is one hope that I have though in this solitude, I will see them in Heaven one day. They will be the ones to greet me when I get there. That makes me so happy :)

I wish I could talk to them. I want them to give me advice that only they could give. I want them to guide me towards the Lord because thats what they did, they always pointed my upward.

Ah, well, in all of this the Lord is bringing me to Him. I realize that I need Him so much more than I know. He loves me even when I don't recognize Him. (Psalm 73:22) He is here with me even at my worst moments, even when I don't feel like anyone is on my side. He provides for me- a family, friends that love me, opportunities to reach my goals/dreams. And ultimately, He created me, so He understands me far better than anyone here on earth could ever understand me. Lord, Thank you so much for being the ultimate Father. I love you. give Gran & Papaw a hug for me.

Summer time

I don't really have anything to blog about. Seeing as how my life as been seemingly uneventful in the last few weeks. I did go to the lake with some wonderful friends a few weeks ago and will be going to see some more friends tomorrow, which I am extremely happy about! Lets start this post off with the statement that I believe that this summer has been one of my top 5 summers of all time, and its only a third of the way done! Can this be real?

I am content. For one of the first times in a long time, I am content. You see, this past year has been one of extreme discontentment for unknown reasons. Please don't get me wrong. I have absolutely loved every minute of my year, but they're not kidding when they call it the sophomore slump! It was super rough on all levels. Coming home was, well, it was like coming to a safe haven. A place where nothing bad could happen, all my cares behind me, no stress, no worries, and it's turned out to be true. Home. A typical college student takes fore-granted the pleasures of home, I know I did. We just think that now that we live 24/7 with our friends, with new freedoms that we are entitled to it and that we know what's best for us. WRONG. We're adults- Yes. Are we necessarily smart adults?- (most college students- No). We still need our moms sometimes, we still need home cooked meals and clean sheets (because come on do you really wash that often??). Most of all what I've learned is that growing up means you know when you need time alone.

The Bible says that Christ separated himself from the disciples so that he could pray. If Christ had to be alone, do we think so highly of our 20-something-selves that we don't need to be alone? That's foolish! This summer I am (have and will) working on this fact.

Alone. It's a scary word. It carries so much weight with it, so much dread and fear. Every time I hear that word I sort of involuntarily cringe. No one likes to be alone all of the time. Whether its being with a family member, friend, or significant other no one likes to be alone. We all want someone. Well, I've been thinking... And are we every truly alone? If God is everywhere can we every be alone? God says that He carries us when we cannot handle the weight of this world, He takes our burdens, He holds our hand. How amazing is this? Its a fact that is awe-inspiring as well as one that is hard to put into practice. So I'm content. I'm content with spending the summer with God and the people he has blessed me with. That sounds pretty amazing to me.

sweet love

I'm not a big hopeless romantic, although I do love me some rom-coms. I usually don't enjoy love songs but this one is definitely worth checking out. so good.

god, take this canopy away from me,
i need to reacquaint the sky,
we’ve done our best and so i’m leaving,
‘cause it’s my life, it’s my life.

i know it’s hard enough to figure out
what’s right and what’s a waist of time,
just like how easy it can be to hold on to a lie.

i know everything is going to work out fine,
i’ve been waiting for this day all this time,
you’ve done everything that you could do,
but floating is just a waist of my foolish pride.

i’ll miss you hard enough to hide it,
i need you hard enough to try,
i love you hard enough to move on.

believe me when i say i need this,
i’m sick and tired of this place,
believe me when you see the likes of it,
or just the look on my face.

i know everything is going to work out fine,
i’ve been waiting for this day all this time,
you’ve done everything that you could do,
but floating is just a waist of my foolish pride.

i’ll miss you hard enough to hide it,
i need you hard enough to try,
i love you hard enough to move on.

i’ll miss you hard enough to hide it,
i need you hard enough to try,
i love you hard enough to move on.

i’ll miss you hard enough to hide it,
i need you hard enough to try,
i love you hard enough to move on.

i need you hard enough to try
i need you hard enough to try
i need you hard enough to try..

by Gregory Douglass

bucket list (well sort of)

so lately i've been learning some things that i want in life

1. i love where i'm at in life.

2. i love what i'm studying & i what i want to be.

3. i know that my purpose is to work with kids. Their joy is infectious.

4. i hope that one day i have the wonderful opportunity to adopt a child. its been laid on my heart lately.

5. i want to travel the world. the whole thing. i want it all.

6. i need to surround myself with people who encourage and support these dreams. anyone else isn't worth it.

God's been showing me these things recently and i look forward to this journey.

Plan B.

My church at school is doing this series about fall back plans- you know the ones. They're the plans that you don't plan on, the schools you didn't want to go to but didn't get into your top choice. The car you don't love, but it's the only one you could afford. The homecoming date that isn't exactly the handsome perfect prince charming you envisioned, but he's alright, you guess. These are Plan B's. Hey, some are even Plan F's. We're all human, which means we like to be in control of things. We like to plan, organize, and know exactly what to do next and where we're headed. In today's world, not only are their planners and organizers but there are programs that can plan years ahead as far as money, meals, you name it! It's amazing technology, but it's awful for a person's ego. Plan B. No one ever wants to settle and that's exactly what that phrase brings to mind. Yet, God's plan is often OUR plan B. That's just it though its OUR plan B- GOD's Plan A. We love to plan our lives to a "T" but God doesn't like that. He wants us to trust in Him, to let Him have control, and for us to just watch him work in us.

Here's my Plan B story that I didn't even realize was happening: summer. You see, I had big plans for this summer. I wanted to do research this summer, and I really didn't want to be in Birmingham. See, I wanted an adventure. I wanted to write my story and I wanted it to be a big one. Well, I started this process over Christmas break. I was planning and planning, applying to programs, talking to professors about recommendations, etc. It was draining but exciting to find new opportunities to apply to. I applied to about 6 programs in 2 states, as well as applying to on-campus leadership opportunities. ( I was determined to be a busy bee and to be the best!) It was around February when I got a response from the program that I wanted the most. It was an outstanding opportunity, focusing on the exact areas of study that I'm interested in. I didn't get the spot. "Well, it was a long shot" I thought, hundreds of applicants, with most being in med school already, you aren't the most qualified. I was upset, but not very there were still options. By March, I had heard from 4 of the other programs. All No's. So this was discouraging. I had been turned down by 5 programs and in the meantime I hadn't gotten the on-campus position that I had wanted so much. Now I was upset- what's the plan here? I thought I was supposed to be a doctor? I thought I was supposed to be a leader. Now what?

Plan B kicked in about a week ago. I was down about not getting those positions the entire semester, however selfish and wrong it might be. Getting a little too deep here, but I felt like somehow this meant that I wasn't good enough. I felt inadequate and questioned my purpose. Seems silly I know, but it happened. My best friend was awesome all semester. She kept me encouraged and in check. She didn't coddle me and always gave it to me how it was. I wouldn't have made it out of that time had she not. I needed to know that it wasn't me, it was my goals. They were high and just because I didn't reach them doesn't mean I'm not good enough it means I need to try harder for more attainable dreams first then aim high. I didn't know until I got home that Plan B was in place. I'm in Birmingham this summer for a reason. I'm volunteering this summer to impact lives in some way. The summer classes I'm taking, yeah they have a purpose too. The time I'm spending with my family, and the friends that are home is precious time that I will savor in the years to come. You see, Plan B is 9 times out of 10 better than Plan A.

My hopes, dreams, and goals will come true one day. One day when I've finished all of the seemingly small things I will accomplish my large goals. I will impact the world whether its by serving over seas or by being friends with random people in Alabama. God has a plan and its perfect no matter if we think it is or not. My ultimate dream is to go to Africa and do medical missions with my family. But guess what I have to do to get there, and if i don't I'll never make it? I have to go to school, work hard, and fulfill God's purpose for my life here and now. I know that if I went to Africa today I wouldn't come back.

Love people. Be kind to whoever you meet because you never know if your smile will be the bright spot in someone's day. Don't be afraid to love with your whole heart. Trust God. Enjoy life. Happy summer yall!

95 days of summer

Today one door shut (temporarily) while another unknown one opened.

Today, I moved out of my dorm, packed up my car, and headed home. I closed a 9 month long chapter of my life. A BIG chapter of my life. Sophomore year of college! I'm now a JUNIOR. This cannot be real. I cannot be leaving again, going home to the uncertainty of summer, away from my friends who have been my family now for 2 years. We've been through so much together these last 9 months. What am I going to do without them? -- All of this zoomed through my mind 100 miles/min all day long, non-stop. Let me be the first to tell you that this is not fun to be thinking about for the majority of 12 hours.

On my drive home, I recapped my 2 years of school so far and how its shaped who I am today. Lately, I'd been questioning who I am, what I'm here to do, and where to go next. In reminiscing on this year, I realized that who I am today is who I am. I can't be anything that I'm not. Its my actions today that define me, not what I "think" I would do or say. As far as my purpose, a good friend told me that to impact the world, you don't have to go to a 3rd world country and save all the dying children or come up with the cure for cancer. She said (wisely I might add) that what you do everyday impacts someone in some way, even if its seemingly insignificant.

That being said, this is what I will be focusing my 95 days of summer on. I will be home, working on who I am, what I believe, and growing in my relationship with Christ (because if I'm brutally honest with myself, that one has fallen by the wayside for far too long).

Sophomore year taught me a lot. It was a growing year for me, definitely. I found out things about myself that I didn't think were possible. I discovered incredible friendships with unsuspecting people. I became rooted in the fact that people are what I live for. Not for things, social status, or popularity. I want to invest my time in people- in friendships. One thing that stands out from this semester alone is that it is OK to be alone. It's ok to feel alone. It's ok to be insecure. Everyone feels this way. But because everyone feels this way, we are not alone.

I would not have survived this year without my incredible Father, my amazing friends, and my family. My life is so full of blessings that I tend to over look.

Marvelous Monday

lately, i've not been myself. I've been moody, self centered, and basically a crappy friend. I don't even know why, which is by far the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal. This weekend brought some perspective that I'm extremely grateful for. I realized why I wasn't content in where I am in life now is because without me knowing, I've changed into a new person. I'm still Bellamy. I'm still the same person as far as values and beliefs. BUT I'm older, wiser, more mature. I've seen more. I've lived more. I've grown. This growth is what life is all about, but in growing, I failed to renew myself. I grew as a person, but then wanted to be my old self instead of my new self (If that makes ANY sense- i'm really not sure how to explain all this). When it comes down to it, I've learned that as a person I take a lot of beatings from other people. I let people walk on me way too much. I give and give and give and yet get very little if anything in return. I like to say that I'm content in being who I am, but when it comes to living it lets be real - thats hard. So here's what i'm working on now- being me and not worrying about others so much.

Here's a song i found today that i really like, songs like this make me smile and forget about the worries of the world. Because lets be honest, the worries of the world are just too much to handle sometimes. Here's to letting go a little today and enjoying the moment; enjoy the people around you and BE YOURSELF.

Always remember, you're beautiful just the way you are.

"Yesterday wasnt easy

made a wish by the bay

and the tide took it hard away

Lift your head up, really hear me

When the water is rising and

you cant close your eyes and pray

(chorus)

Trust in me, to make it better

and carry you through to the end

Well get free from stormy weather

Yeah, count on me, i'll be your friend

Suddenly it gets clearer

with my hands on the wheel

with the turn that you feel around

Better days are drawn nearer

and theres no way, no how, and nobody

to stop us now

(chorus)

Trust in me, to make it better

and carry you through to the end

Well get free from stormy weather

Yeah, count on me, i'll be your friend

You can count on me, i'll be your friend

(doo doo doo doo doo...

doo doo doo....)

Darling you can count on me

(hey hey hey hey. doo doo doo..)

I'll be there whenever you need

(hey hey hey hey)

Wherever you are,

i'm not very far

I'll be by your side,

to make it alright

(chorus X2)

Trust in me, to make it better

and carry you through to the end

Well get free from stormy weather

Yeah, count on me, i'll be your friend"

- Count on Me- Lucy Schwartz

refreshed.

wow. this weekend was so needed and the sad thing is, i didn't even realize how desperate i was for it! I've been running myself ragged with school, friends, clubs, commitments, work, etc. and i definitely have not been spending enough time being refreshed by God or even just stepping back and taking a breath. This weekend was just the breath i needed. I got to spend some amazing quality time with my mom. Its these times that I treasure so dearly; they are truly special and unforgettable. She is one of my very best friends and I love spending time with her! I got to see two of my best friends from high school if only for a few minutes. Seeing their shining faces and hearing from them was so encouraging. They are such blessings in my life and they constantly build me up. I could not thank God enough for them. I also got to spend time with my grandfather for his 80th birthday, which was really interesting. We aren't very close but he's my grandfather so I love him and love seeing him. He recently found out he has cancer, which is something that I don't quite think i've managed to process yet. It makes times like eating dinner at cracker barrel special and close to my heart. He said something that truly amazed me, he told me that he met my grandmother on Sunday April 11, 1953. Now how in the world he remembers the exact day i have no clue, but he's as sharp as a tack so I trust him. It was so cute! Any way, back to my refreshing weekend. I did nothing productive. I took care of myself; I got my nails done, I went shopping, I slept in, and I watched a lot of Criminal Minds. Most importantly though, I talked life with my mom and it helped it all make sense. God gave me the perfect refreshing, encouraging weekend to finish out this semester. I feel like I've caught a second wind. I found this quote and fell in love so I hope it encourages you too.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

— Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)

"not of this world, but in it"

wow, here lately, things have been busy. Life has happened, and it's happened at warp speed. I just wanted to fill you all in on some things that the Lord has been teaching me lately in so many different areas of my life. You know it's God telling you something important when you see the same theme around every corner.

I've been struggling lately. I've felt tried, tempted, and troubled. I say this in the most general way possible, as in the things of this world have been grabbing hold of me. Have you ever had a moment in which you felt like you wouldn't live through it? You felt crushed from the inside out? or maybe even about to explode? You just knew that what was about to happen would change your world forever, and that with that change you didn't know if you would make it. BUT obviously you made it because you're here. you're reading this. You struggled through it but in the end you survived.

One time, I was about 10 and went to the beach with a friend. I wasn't a very good swimmer, but the friend proceeded on pushing me into the deep end of her pool. I just knew I wasn't going to make it. ha 10 years old and panicking because i couldn't swim, but luckily her mom came in and "saved" me. Well i'm here aren't i? I didn't see it at the time, but I learned something. I learned that I needed to figure out how to swim. i'm sure we've all been in times like these, uncomfortable but beneficial. These are physical occurrences. These are tangible. But what about the intangible? what about the matters of the heart? the spiritual warfare that's going on everyday and we can't even see it.

God's been teaching me lately. He's been showing me and revealing to me that He makes us stronger through these struggles. They're hard. We can't see an end and we think that it will last forever, but guess what? If we trust in Him, He always wins.

Whatever it is that we have on this earth does not matter, not fame, riches, friends, things, or looks. Its who we are in Heaven that matters. Its what we do for our Kingdom. I've been challenged lately to change my life. To redirect it in a way that only leads things towards the righteousness of God. Does this mean that I will always succeed? NO. Indeed, I am human and 95% of the time, I get it wrong. but God's grace says that thats ok. I've already been forgiven freely and don't have to do anything to earn it. I don't have to be perfect. Isn't that awesome?!!!

lately.

this past few weeks have been crazy, hence the lack in writing. :) but you havent missed too much i promise!

When struggling with life, we don't always turn to God for help. In fact, its in our darkest times that we don't go to God at all because we're ashamed or think that we won't get the answer we need in enough time to help us. I'm completely guilty of that. This Sunday the pastor at the church I visited did a sermon on Revelation 3. It was just what I've needed this month. It was about how we should be hot or cold, but not lukewarm because God wants to spit us out when we're lukewarm. He compared it to being nauseous and wanting to throw up but holding it in. How gross does that feel? How much better would it be to just let it out? But instead, you hold it in. I know that's absolutely disgusting but its so true! The beauty of this passage is that In the last verses it says that God loves us so much that He wants to hold us in. His grace is sufficient and unending. His love is unconditional. In dealing with life lately, I've struggled to stay true to myself and take care of me. So today I've come up with some new words to live by that i believe will apply to a lot of you.

"I accept the things that I cannot undo. I am not a super hero and am only human so I will no doubt fail. I am not responsible for the actions of others but only responsible for showing them unconditionally and showing them the love of Christ. I will fail time after time but what matters is that I try my best even when I fall down."

Don't ever get down on yourself. Know that all of your efforts are seen by the people around you and that little things matter even when you think they don't. There is a reason for everything you do.

I love you.

Stronger.

"When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ..."

-Stronger by Mandisa

A friend of mine from my lifegroup shared this song with me the other day and it has totally been speaking to me. God has me EXACTLY where He wants me to be. His plan is unfolding, He doesn't need to show me His plan, I'm already IN His plan. With all of the pain that life throws at you, with all of the junk that comes everyday, God is making me stronger. He is building me up and using it for His glory. Anything that I go through, it is to get me closer to God, rely more on Him and become independent of other people (1 Thessalonians 4:10). Life's rough sometimes but the beautiful part is that God put us all here to go through it together. with Him.

weekend wonders

so this weekend i was not looking forward to being somewhat alone. well, they say if you want to make God laugh, make plans. I think God probably chuckled a little at me :) I love to plan. I wouldn't go as far as say I want to control everything but I do like order and having a general idea of what's going to happen. This is really hard to deal with--i mean REALLY hard. Because you know, life is life. it happens. It happens fast and it'll throw ya curve balls all the time. I personally hate those times when I'm in them but when I look back, it turns out that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It turned out just the way I wanted it to or better than I had hoped. God has a really funny way of showing us His plan. His timing is perfect- another hard thing to comprehend when you're 20, in college, thinking you're all grown up and can do what ever you want whenever you want. The world makes us think that all the great things in life are instantaneous, but guess what? those things are crap. Those things are the things that fade away. All the money, riches, fortune, fame, popularity, clothes, appearance, etc- it all goes away as quick as it comes. God tells us to store our riches in heaven. I never really knew what that meant and I cant exactly say what I think it means now, but so far I think it means that we need to focus on the long term- like eternal life- not just the immediate. Focus on what can I do to glorify God, not what can God give me or do for me to make my day better. In the end its not the years that make the life but the life in the years. A good friend told me to live for today and live with no regrets. For me that means, don't worry about what tomorrow will bring, and make the decisions that you feel are right (not stupidly of course) but that you won't regret tomorrow. If you go down the wrong path, God will get you where you need to go. Just trust in Him.

goodnight loves.

its been a good weekend.

sweet love

Back to school. Back to the grind. Back to reality.

Being back at school has really been a roller coaster of emotions. On one hand, I am so so so happy to be back and reunited with all of my friends-or my school family. On the other hand, I was not ready to deal with life when I got back. And thats a problem seeing that being at school, where I'm preparing for my future career and plans, is ALL about life. Such a strange world we live in. I've been thinking a lot lately--shocker, I know--about my 20 years of life. What have they been filled with? What have I gotten out of them? Who have I served with them? The list could go on and on.

The answers to these questions have not been easy pills to swallow, nor have they been clear. I'm a sophomore in college and I don't really know what I want to do with my life, much less what God wants me to do with it. I know that ultimately He has a grand plan, but right now what am I supposed to do?

A verse popped into my mind tonight when I was at church with a friend. I read this verse last semester on a retreat and it had been in my mind for a while after. But as we all know, things happen, we get busy and things cloud our minds.

The verse is Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

What does that even mean? I can never truly be still, my heart will always be beating (for as long as I live), my mind will be thinking, my ears will be hearing, all of these involuntary actions we do everyday. But no, to be STILL and KNOW that He is God is to stop. Stop planning. Stop worrying. Just be. Just sit and think about the God of the universe. He is in control. It is Him we are here to glorify and it is Him that we are here to worship and tell everyone about. So when life gets me down, when it becomes too much, I can remember this verse. I can remember Gods power, His love, His gentleness, as well as His purpose for me. Putting that into perspective will enable me to let everything go, and not just the things that I can't control, but the things I can. All of my life, I give to you Lord.

LIfe Lately

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis

So, over the past few weeks I've been on Christmas break and joyously been spending time at home. I absolutely love being home. There's something about this city, this house, these people, that make me feel safe, secure, and content. But the thing is, after a while, I get restless. I struggle with being TOO content, too secure, and too safe- and not in a godly way- in a selfish way. Every individual searches for adventure and I feel like college is my adventure. And don't take that the wrong way either. When i say adventure, I mean like my uncharted territory and a place for me to find myself through people and being on my own.

Well back to why I love these quotes, I found them tonight online and I just fell in love with this man's wisdom. C.S. Lewis is someone that we've all heard of and that literature admires. He is one of the only godly authors greatly recognized in the secular world. His works have multiple aspects to them. They have surface meaning and deeper meaning. These quotes are beautifully poetic. They capture the meaning of life as a whole. Life is more than just living. Its about WHO you are living for and WHAT you learn through that life. To answer who I'm living for- I'd say, God and others- I want to do my best for Him and serve others. What I've learned- hm that list is WAY too long. But I tend to learn not only from my mistakes and life experiences but from others as well. Life lessons are valuable ones.

Lately, I've really honed in on the phrase that God places people in your life at specific times for specific purposes. Its something thats hard to keep telling myself but its reassuring at the same time. His plan is greater than anything I could ever dream of.