"If we could read the secret histories of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
- Longfellow
"Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear- abandonment."
"over the years we've come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them"
"The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you"
These quotes come from a book I'm reading that a good friend gave to me earlier this year called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. This book is wrecking me- in a good way (i guess). Its tearing down my guard and hitting closer to the vest than I'm normally comfortable with. It's a book about womanhood and being the woman that God has created you to be and how life/childhood has shaped you, and it's caused me to look a lot deeper into my own life.
Warning: This is where I'm going to get real.
I've always been overweight, ever since I was little. I can't remember not having a soda or being told that I couldn't eat something. "no" didn't exist. It became a bigger issue the older that I got. I never really knew why I ate, but looking back it was because food=love. When I ate, I felt loved, accepted, and appreciated. Food can't reject you. I found the love I longed for in relationships with my dad and others in food. Ultimately coming up short because in being overweight I turned away acceptance of others. A vicious cycle I've battled for years.
My parents got divorced when I was around 11. It wasn't a surprise or shock to me, but attending a private school it was not socially kosher. The "special" treatment I got from teachers and other classmates didn't help my fears of fitting in. And the actual divorce left me feeling like no relationships would ever work out. I became very amiable at this point in my life. I wanted to please any and every one, so that maybe, just maybe, some one would appreciate and love me for it. I found that I was never enough for most people. My mom and my grandmother (Gran) were always supportive and reassuring, struggling with the same acceptance and people pleasing issues that I was stumbling into.
This continued throughout high school, and quite possibly worsened. After friend changes and feeling at times unwanted and unneeded, I drowned myself in school work and family. I emotionally distanced myself from "friends" because why would someone want to be friends with me?
It wasn't until the lonely desolate days of my freshman year of college that I figured it out. I felt accepted and loved by people I had only known for a few weeks! I turned to God summer before college and said "I want to be loved for who I am, because You created me and I know that means I am valuable." and thats exactly what happened. I felt valuable. I have friends who love my quirkiness and my annoying mothering of them. I have friends who appreciate my heart and understand the way I get hurt and how my mind operates. I have friends now who are trying to heal the wounds left from my past. God gave me sisters.
Some say that wounds make you who you are; that they shape you and form you. But in Captivating, I'm learning to appreciate a new perspective on brokenness. In the garden of Eden, Eve sinned & all of humanity fell away from God. If this had not happened, we wouldn't feel a lack of intimacy with God or each other. We wouldn't feel inadequate or not enough, and we wouldn't hurt one another. And we wouldn't try to control our lives once bad things happen.
So, starting now, I'm going to tear down my guard, brick by brick, and trust in God that being vulnerable to these same hurts and heartaches is in His plan. Because brick walls don't only keep out further hurt, they keep in the past. I encourage you to tear yours down too. We can do it together.
Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"
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