Redeem my broken soul

Hey God, It's me, Bellamy. I haven't always been who you want me to be. I haven't always been that light to the world. I've hidden it. I've stifled your love to others. I've judged & misunderstood. I haven't been humble or forgiving to loved ones much less strangers. Lord, forgive me, please, restore this broken soul. Put in me a new heart (Ezekiel 37:4). I've let you down in the past God, but I'm only human. Mistakes are my nature & failure is the only thing I'm good at succeeding. However, with YOU, God, Your spirit is in me & "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. I guess it took hitting bottom to look towards You, Lord. How silly is that? How childish to not admit the need of help? God, I admit it now. I need your help. Lord I love you. Thank you for calling me daughter, even though I fall constantly. AMEN.

This post, although it may seem too personal for a blog, I feel like it needs to be shown. I've struggled from January to the end of May at not being good enough. I thought that I wasn't good enough for others much less the Creator of the world. Those were some tough months. I wasn't nice or fun to be around. I put on a happy face but behind clothes doors I was a wreck- conflicted & confused. I tried to look for answers in all of the wrong places. I was mad at God for not giving me what I thought I "needed." That was so stupid of me. Only God knows what I need. In James, it says that God provides for the birds of the air, so how much more will He provide for His children?! and I doubted that. What?! I've never been that person & don't ask why I became that person last semester because honestly I couldn't begin to pinpoint it. I was sad, and why I don't know. All I do know is that I came home for the summer looking for something else. I thought it would be a disappointment & a drag, not because I don't love my family dearly, but because it wasn't what I thought I "needed" like I said earlier. I started comparing my life to others--- let me warn you here: that is NEVER good, no two people are the same & everyone's purpose is uniquely theirs.

So I spent the first few weeks of summer in a tailspin. I was enjoying it but at the same time wishing I was somewhere else. I talked to my best friend- my mom- who knows everything about me. After talking to her, everything changed. I started being content with life & where God had placed me. I learned to appreciate life & the little things just as I always had before that weird 6 month period. I got out of my rut & I don't ever want to go back to that dark place. This summer has been my "God" summer. I've discovered a deeper relationship & dependency on Him that I had started wandering away from. I'm back now, here to stay and I'm happy to say that I'm Bellamy again! :)) I would have never made it out of this past semester without my incredible family that I've already mentioned but most of all the people that I live with- my friends. God has placed all of these people in my life for their own reasons. I heard a quote the other day-- The best part of falling down is the people who help you up. So true. I am so thankful for this summer & how far I've come. Its truly been the best summer of my life.

BRING ON JUNIOR YEAR. I can do anything with Christ & I look forward to the adventure that this next year brings.

Plan B.

My church at school is doing this series about fall back plans- you know the ones. They're the plans that you don't plan on, the schools you didn't want to go to but didn't get into your top choice. The car you don't love, but it's the only one you could afford. The homecoming date that isn't exactly the handsome perfect prince charming you envisioned, but he's alright, you guess. These are Plan B's. Hey, some are even Plan F's. We're all human, which means we like to be in control of things. We like to plan, organize, and know exactly what to do next and where we're headed. In today's world, not only are their planners and organizers but there are programs that can plan years ahead as far as money, meals, you name it! It's amazing technology, but it's awful for a person's ego. Plan B. No one ever wants to settle and that's exactly what that phrase brings to mind. Yet, God's plan is often OUR plan B. That's just it though its OUR plan B- GOD's Plan A. We love to plan our lives to a "T" but God doesn't like that. He wants us to trust in Him, to let Him have control, and for us to just watch him work in us.

Here's my Plan B story that I didn't even realize was happening: summer. You see, I had big plans for this summer. I wanted to do research this summer, and I really didn't want to be in Birmingham. See, I wanted an adventure. I wanted to write my story and I wanted it to be a big one. Well, I started this process over Christmas break. I was planning and planning, applying to programs, talking to professors about recommendations, etc. It was draining but exciting to find new opportunities to apply to. I applied to about 6 programs in 2 states, as well as applying to on-campus leadership opportunities. ( I was determined to be a busy bee and to be the best!) It was around February when I got a response from the program that I wanted the most. It was an outstanding opportunity, focusing on the exact areas of study that I'm interested in. I didn't get the spot. "Well, it was a long shot" I thought, hundreds of applicants, with most being in med school already, you aren't the most qualified. I was upset, but not very there were still options. By March, I had heard from 4 of the other programs. All No's. So this was discouraging. I had been turned down by 5 programs and in the meantime I hadn't gotten the on-campus position that I had wanted so much. Now I was upset- what's the plan here? I thought I was supposed to be a doctor? I thought I was supposed to be a leader. Now what?

Plan B kicked in about a week ago. I was down about not getting those positions the entire semester, however selfish and wrong it might be. Getting a little too deep here, but I felt like somehow this meant that I wasn't good enough. I felt inadequate and questioned my purpose. Seems silly I know, but it happened. My best friend was awesome all semester. She kept me encouraged and in check. She didn't coddle me and always gave it to me how it was. I wouldn't have made it out of that time had she not. I needed to know that it wasn't me, it was my goals. They were high and just because I didn't reach them doesn't mean I'm not good enough it means I need to try harder for more attainable dreams first then aim high. I didn't know until I got home that Plan B was in place. I'm in Birmingham this summer for a reason. I'm volunteering this summer to impact lives in some way. The summer classes I'm taking, yeah they have a purpose too. The time I'm spending with my family, and the friends that are home is precious time that I will savor in the years to come. You see, Plan B is 9 times out of 10 better than Plan A.

My hopes, dreams, and goals will come true one day. One day when I've finished all of the seemingly small things I will accomplish my large goals. I will impact the world whether its by serving over seas or by being friends with random people in Alabama. God has a plan and its perfect no matter if we think it is or not. My ultimate dream is to go to Africa and do medical missions with my family. But guess what I have to do to get there, and if i don't I'll never make it? I have to go to school, work hard, and fulfill God's purpose for my life here and now. I know that if I went to Africa today I wouldn't come back.

Love people. Be kind to whoever you meet because you never know if your smile will be the bright spot in someone's day. Don't be afraid to love with your whole heart. Trust God. Enjoy life. Happy summer yall!

95 days of summer

Today one door shut (temporarily) while another unknown one opened.

Today, I moved out of my dorm, packed up my car, and headed home. I closed a 9 month long chapter of my life. A BIG chapter of my life. Sophomore year of college! I'm now a JUNIOR. This cannot be real. I cannot be leaving again, going home to the uncertainty of summer, away from my friends who have been my family now for 2 years. We've been through so much together these last 9 months. What am I going to do without them? -- All of this zoomed through my mind 100 miles/min all day long, non-stop. Let me be the first to tell you that this is not fun to be thinking about for the majority of 12 hours.

On my drive home, I recapped my 2 years of school so far and how its shaped who I am today. Lately, I'd been questioning who I am, what I'm here to do, and where to go next. In reminiscing on this year, I realized that who I am today is who I am. I can't be anything that I'm not. Its my actions today that define me, not what I "think" I would do or say. As far as my purpose, a good friend told me that to impact the world, you don't have to go to a 3rd world country and save all the dying children or come up with the cure for cancer. She said (wisely I might add) that what you do everyday impacts someone in some way, even if its seemingly insignificant.

That being said, this is what I will be focusing my 95 days of summer on. I will be home, working on who I am, what I believe, and growing in my relationship with Christ (because if I'm brutally honest with myself, that one has fallen by the wayside for far too long).

Sophomore year taught me a lot. It was a growing year for me, definitely. I found out things about myself that I didn't think were possible. I discovered incredible friendships with unsuspecting people. I became rooted in the fact that people are what I live for. Not for things, social status, or popularity. I want to invest my time in people- in friendships. One thing that stands out from this semester alone is that it is OK to be alone. It's ok to feel alone. It's ok to be insecure. Everyone feels this way. But because everyone feels this way, we are not alone.

I would not have survived this year without my incredible Father, my amazing friends, and my family. My life is so full of blessings that I tend to over look.

Marvelous Monday

lately, i've not been myself. I've been moody, self centered, and basically a crappy friend. I don't even know why, which is by far the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal. This weekend brought some perspective that I'm extremely grateful for. I realized why I wasn't content in where I am in life now is because without me knowing, I've changed into a new person. I'm still Bellamy. I'm still the same person as far as values and beliefs. BUT I'm older, wiser, more mature. I've seen more. I've lived more. I've grown. This growth is what life is all about, but in growing, I failed to renew myself. I grew as a person, but then wanted to be my old self instead of my new self (If that makes ANY sense- i'm really not sure how to explain all this). When it comes down to it, I've learned that as a person I take a lot of beatings from other people. I let people walk on me way too much. I give and give and give and yet get very little if anything in return. I like to say that I'm content in being who I am, but when it comes to living it lets be real - thats hard. So here's what i'm working on now- being me and not worrying about others so much.

Here's a song i found today that i really like, songs like this make me smile and forget about the worries of the world. Because lets be honest, the worries of the world are just too much to handle sometimes. Here's to letting go a little today and enjoying the moment; enjoy the people around you and BE YOURSELF.

Always remember, you're beautiful just the way you are.

"Yesterday wasnt easy

made a wish by the bay

and the tide took it hard away

Lift your head up, really hear me

When the water is rising and

you cant close your eyes and pray

(chorus)

Trust in me, to make it better

and carry you through to the end

Well get free from stormy weather

Yeah, count on me, i'll be your friend

Suddenly it gets clearer

with my hands on the wheel

with the turn that you feel around

Better days are drawn nearer

and theres no way, no how, and nobody

to stop us now

(chorus)

Trust in me, to make it better

and carry you through to the end

Well get free from stormy weather

Yeah, count on me, i'll be your friend

You can count on me, i'll be your friend

(doo doo doo doo doo...

doo doo doo....)

Darling you can count on me

(hey hey hey hey. doo doo doo..)

I'll be there whenever you need

(hey hey hey hey)

Wherever you are,

i'm not very far

I'll be by your side,

to make it alright

(chorus X2)

Trust in me, to make it better

and carry you through to the end

Well get free from stormy weather

Yeah, count on me, i'll be your friend"

- Count on Me- Lucy Schwartz

I find rest in God alone

It has been an incredibly long time since I have had time to breathe, much less blog, so I sincerely apologize to all of the 2 people that might read this. :)

These past few weeks have been crazy busy and filled with insane amounts of stress. Its finals time. Enough said right?! Wrong. Its exams combined with life and life is a mess.

So, heres what I've been learning and struggling with since the last time I wrote. God calls us to love unconditionally. He calls us to forgive, to love, and to live. I haven't been fulfilling that calling as much as I'd like to. The thing that this world doesn't realize is that PEOPLE matter. It is the people that make the world a good place. Its the people that have an influence. Passion is something that is placed deep within you. I believe that God placed that passion within us for His purpose. I have a passion for people. What do I do with that? I've struggled with that for a while. What do I do to help others? What can I do? I'm just a girl. I'm just one person. What I have realized is that God empowers His people. He gives us the ability to do His work. And if my work is to impact the world through people then He will give me the resources and opportunities to do that.

I would not have made it through this week without my friends, but especially without God. I had tests that were impossible that I think I did well on because God knows the answers. Giving it over to God is one of the hardest parts of life, but its the most rewarding.

Love you all! Christmas is 14 days away!!! :))

here's to some endings and some grand new beginnings...

Well, the time has come. it about 2 1/2 weeks until i move back to my good ole college dorm room and begin the adventures of freshman orientation and my own sophomore year. Its what i've been anticipating all summer long, however, it is a bittersweet ending to a beautiful summer. I have had a few adventures, nothing too extravagant, but fun none the less. I've rekindled old friendships and found treasures among the ruins of what used to be. The memories that i've made this summer will last forever, and i believe that the past 3 months have helped shaped me into the woman i am slowly but surely becoming. There is a quote by Michaelangelo that one of my facebook friends posted the other day that says "I saw the angel in the marble, and i carved until i set her free." I think that this quote quite accurately describes my life thus far. I definitely have my imperfections and my extra baggage, but through time, prayer, and soul searching, God is showing me the person He wants me to become.

On another note, these past 3 weeks, my stepbrother has been in town with us. We had such a great time and I already miss him. We never get to spend that much time all together because we're separated by several states. Reflecting back on these weeks, i see the family that God has blessed me with. It was an extremely disguised blessing, seeing as i would never wish to relive through my parents getting a divorce, go through the life struggles that i have been through, or any of the other baggage that comes from being part of a "dysfunctional" or abnormal family. I've realized that it is because of these abnormalities and circumstances that I have the wisdom and maturity that i have now. I have a rare clarity about life because of what i've been through in my -GULP- almost 20 years (yeah i cant believe i'm a month away from not being a teen anymore). We spent a family weekend at the beach this past weekend and i have never laughed so much with my family. While, i was at the beach i got to see two of my best friends who are down on a summer missions trip. It was so good to see them!!! Man, only 2 1/2 weeks left of summer then my sophomore year starts....where does time go? I dont know, but i love the memories that it leaves behind.

Summer nights

well tonight was a blast from the past. it felt just like i was in high school again. ok, maybe not JUST like it, but definitely similar. and it was just the good part. it was the hanging out in the parking lots, playing random games, eating m&m's, making fun of each other kind of night. it was the perfect remedy for what i've been going through. meeting up with old friends and getting to know them again was refreshing. some of them have changed so much its weird and others are just their old silly selves that i'll always remember. i think change is good. change is positive. how can we get closer to God without changing from our old selves? we have to become our new selves in Christ and that requires CHANGE. for some people it requires lots of change, for others only a few slight ones.

God continues to show me things through my summer at home. He has revealed himself as a provider, Father, Savior, and most of all Friend. I still don't trust Him completely like i know i should, but i've gotten better. He challenged me this week with that. but i think i'm getting the point.

When God tests you and gives you trials, you have to know that He won't give you more than you can bear. and with that you have to LET GO AND LET GOD.

thats the hardest lesson of life. but if you can do it, then you're home free.

goodnight world.

i love you, and hope your night was as enlightening as mine. :)