"my momma told me there'd be days like this"

I've been here for what, 2 weeks, now? Crazy, right, how time flies and days fade away? Seems like yesterday I was moving in for Freshman year. And look at me now, a Junior! A lot has changed since then, not only in my classification, but in my mind, my heart, my soul. I mean, really, have you ever thought about what it would be like to have your soul change? How cool it would be to look back after a time & see exactly in what areas you had changed into the person you are now? Not only that but the exact events could be pin pointed? Well this is how I'm feeling in week 2 at school.

I'm homesick. I find myself calling this "home" when it is not my home. Home as my precious roommate said earlier today "is where momma is, and my momma ain't here." Well, I want my momma. I know that I have to grow & (insert cliche) "spread my wings", but i miss the comforts of home.

As a Christian though, I do believe that, yes, home is where your mom is, but its also wherever you are with the Father. And the beautiful thing about that is that God is with us wherever we go. He lives in our hearts, in our minds, and yes, in our souls. See, this is the soul change that I mentioned earlier. I've come to realize and to remember that the Lord lives in me. Everyday when I wake up, He's here. When I go to sleep, He's here. I'm never alone. I'm never alone. You are never alone. I have so many people (including myself) in my life who are fighting battles. These battles, they'll get ya. They eat at you & destroy you from the inside out, but if you remember that God's with you, fighting with you & for you the entire way, then you have a chance of winning.

This year, although it is going to be hard at the beginning, will be the best yet. And this is why: because "although my heart and my flesh may fail God is my strength and my portion forever." God is good and He is all I need. He provides and my joy is found in Him alone.

newness [Ezekiel 37:4]

tomorrow.

wow. it all ends/begins, tomorrow. this summer comes to an abrupt halt as I move in to my new apartment and get prepared for a new year, Junior year to be exact. This will be the start of my third year in college. Thinking back three years ago today, i was a nervous wreck, scared, anxious, and sad to be leaving home. Now, I would love to tell you that it's easier and that I'm just ready to get out, but if I did, I would be lying through my teeth. My family is a really deep part of me; its more than a stable unit with a warm meal on weekends. They are my rock, refuge, and best of friends. My family is my "safe place," a "haven" when all else around me is unstable, and this summer I have thoroughly enjoyed the safety of home.

I am very excited to get back to school, to see what the Lord has in store for me, and to get back to my school "family" that has its own very special place in my heart. There are no better friends than those that I've met in these past 2 years of college. It feels as if we've known each other a lifetime & that kind of friendship is a rarity. God has blessed me so much with these people who not only share my love for our school, hobbies, and spending time together but more importantly we all share a deep love of the Father, which makes our bond exponentially stronger. I cannot describe in words just the impact that they have had on my life and the impact I see them having in the future. Without them, I would, in no way, be the same person that I am today.

So tonight, I reminisce on the fun, relaxing, and carefree summer that I am leaving behind, but I also anticipate the joys and blessings of the coming year. As I have written in the past and eluded to previously, I did not live out the Christian life of dependancy on God last semester as I should have. This not only directly effected my life, but more importantly affected my influence on those around me. For that I will always be incredibly sorry and repentant, knowing that God did things despite my attitude but things would have been easier if only I had obeyed. No regrets though, only learning and growing. God used this "desert road" experience in my life to develop my increased dependence on Him & obedience to His commands. One of my favorite verses and themes of this past summer has been Ezekiel 37:4, where the Lord says that He will replace in you a NEW heart & you become a NEW person in CHRIST. As one of my best friends told me when she was telling me of her summer at sbp, she said "Did you know that when we accept Christ, God sees Christ's perfection instead of our sin? I've never realized that before! HOW COOL?!" Thank the Lord for His mercies every day! Let the glory & praise come to Him this year.

want v. need

There is this constant battle in each of our lives against what we want and what we need. Our hearts are torn between the two & often have them extremely confused.

A little back story on this- I leave for Junior year of college in 12 days- its something I am both anticipating but resenting it at the same time. And all of these thoughts are driving my mind to think of many other battles of my mind.

What I want: love, appreciation, success, forgiveness, encouragement, reinforcement, affirmation, good relationships, Jesus.

(pretty much in this order...this list could go on for days I'm sure, simply because I am human & humans are selfish in nature.)

What I need: Jesus.

I mean isn't that the truth, though? Everything that we want can be achieved if only we accept & go after what we need first. This would be why mom always tells you to eat your dinner before you eat dessert. By having dessert first, we neglect to give our bodies the proper nutrients, although it is really what we think we want.

Redeem my broken soul

Hey God, It's me, Bellamy. I haven't always been who you want me to be. I haven't always been that light to the world. I've hidden it. I've stifled your love to others. I've judged & misunderstood. I haven't been humble or forgiving to loved ones much less strangers. Lord, forgive me, please, restore this broken soul. Put in me a new heart (Ezekiel 37:4). I've let you down in the past God, but I'm only human. Mistakes are my nature & failure is the only thing I'm good at succeeding. However, with YOU, God, Your spirit is in me & "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. I guess it took hitting bottom to look towards You, Lord. How silly is that? How childish to not admit the need of help? God, I admit it now. I need your help. Lord I love you. Thank you for calling me daughter, even though I fall constantly. AMEN.

This post, although it may seem too personal for a blog, I feel like it needs to be shown. I've struggled from January to the end of May at not being good enough. I thought that I wasn't good enough for others much less the Creator of the world. Those were some tough months. I wasn't nice or fun to be around. I put on a happy face but behind clothes doors I was a wreck- conflicted & confused. I tried to look for answers in all of the wrong places. I was mad at God for not giving me what I thought I "needed." That was so stupid of me. Only God knows what I need. In James, it says that God provides for the birds of the air, so how much more will He provide for His children?! and I doubted that. What?! I've never been that person & don't ask why I became that person last semester because honestly I couldn't begin to pinpoint it. I was sad, and why I don't know. All I do know is that I came home for the summer looking for something else. I thought it would be a disappointment & a drag, not because I don't love my family dearly, but because it wasn't what I thought I "needed" like I said earlier. I started comparing my life to others--- let me warn you here: that is NEVER good, no two people are the same & everyone's purpose is uniquely theirs.

So I spent the first few weeks of summer in a tailspin. I was enjoying it but at the same time wishing I was somewhere else. I talked to my best friend- my mom- who knows everything about me. After talking to her, everything changed. I started being content with life & where God had placed me. I learned to appreciate life & the little things just as I always had before that weird 6 month period. I got out of my rut & I don't ever want to go back to that dark place. This summer has been my "God" summer. I've discovered a deeper relationship & dependency on Him that I had started wandering away from. I'm back now, here to stay and I'm happy to say that I'm Bellamy again! :)) I would have never made it out of this past semester without my incredible family that I've already mentioned but most of all the people that I live with- my friends. God has placed all of these people in my life for their own reasons. I heard a quote the other day-- The best part of falling down is the people who help you up. So true. I am so thankful for this summer & how far I've come. Its truly been the best summer of my life.

BRING ON JUNIOR YEAR. I can do anything with Christ & I look forward to the adventure that this next year brings.

breathe

This week has been slightly insane. It was a lot busier than most of my weeks this summer, yet I didn't DO anything. I volunteered, went to class, went to the doctor (found out i'm sick, yuck!), and laid in bed. yeah sounds like i was overwhelmed right?! well actually i was! it was so weird. I did nothing, but it was so tiring. Probably due to the fact that I was sick all week and didn't know it, or maybe because I was catching up from all the sleep I missed on my fabulous July 4th weekend (yeah that was probably it). That was such a good weekend. Blessings were uncovered that I had completely overlooked in my life. Blessings that are so small and seemingly insignificant, but when you discover them you are awestruck with their magnitude. Good, godly friendships are definitely something that I've taken for-granted my entire life. Growing up in the "bubble" I grew up in, it was definitely a shocker when I got to college and everyone hadn't been raised the way I had been raised. Oddly enough, some people's backgrounds don't define where they end up and who they are at this point of life and we had tons in common. This led to a blooming frienship, one in which was, I believe, ordained solely by God. The things that I have learned in the friendships of my short lifetime are just so amazing and awe inspiring. They lead me to the Lord each time I am reminded of them. I constantly turn to God and say, "Wow, Lord you had this planned from Day 1 and I didn't even know." God's plan. Its something that we as Christians often flippantly say. Such as, "Well, it was God's plan I go to Panera today because I had a free pastry on my rewards card!" But the type of God's plan talks I'm talking about it are the ones where that moment in your life, that desert road of a time, that lonely place you thought you would never leave led you to the most joyous and God glorifying place in your life. This plan is GOD ORCHESTRATED.

This summer has had an overall theme of "contentment in Christ" for me. Everything that I wanted for this summer simply did not turn out the way that I wanted to AT ALL. But i've learned to find beauty in the broken-ness and Joy in pain. Because GOD has orchestrated this for me and it is beautiful.

4th of July

best friends are people you trust with your heart, your life, and your secrets. they love you despite your faults and laugh with you, not at you. when you hate the world, they do too, they've got your back no matter what and support you/push you toward your dreams. you may fight or disagree but at the end of the day, you're sisters. there through it all.

this weekend i get to see a few of my best friends from school and home that i haven't seen in a while. i'm too excited for words!

God is good.

"All Alone! Whether you like it or not. Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare so much you won't want to go on." - Dr. Seuss

So, i know its a little lame. But it's Dr. Seuss, he's like the next thing to Shakespeare! haha but this is how i'm feeling and this is what i needed tonight. I needed reassurance that being alone is normal, its something we need! In order for me to be a sane person, I have to be alone for a good amount of time. Its part of life, a season if you will.

Considering this, i am taking a "me" night. well more like a me 18 hours. from now until about 4 tomorrow i will be taking a sabbatical form technology, from worries, from life. I will be reading, reminiscing in some Grey's Anatomy, and spending time with the Lord. I need to regroup, and ground myself in Him.

Sweet summer, you are brutal sometimes.