Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens"

Ecclesiastes 3:1

This is just the beginning to one of my favorite passages of the Bible. One of the girls in my Bible study shared it this week as her favorite verse and it just reminded me of how much I love it. Its deep. I mean, the whole Bible is deep (lets be real) but its resonates with so many people on so many different levels. Even non-Christians will use this passage in funerals or in situations where the outcome isn't as they would have hoped. For me, this is a comforting verse. Its a reminder that life is a cycle. Just as the seasons have their own due time to come and go, so do our emotions, our successes, our failures, and our lives. We are constantly changing and life is always speeding by us quickly. This verse tells me "Hey, its ok to feel this way! its time for that! there will be times for other things. those come later. but first you have to ride out this emotion/feeling/time.

God has a beautiful way of wrecking us, I'd say. He knows just what it takes to rock the boat in such a way that we don't know if we're going to come out floating or sinking. He breaks us. To some people this will sound insane. "What? our good God will break us? No, you're wrong, He would never do that." Well how about that time you got fired? You thought your career and life were over. You had no money, no job prospects, and no future. What came out of that? A better job? with better money? with better hours? Yeah, that was part of the plan. OR how about that relationship? God would never want you to break up with them right? no, you're meant to be? Well, what happened when you broke up? You found the guy that led you to Christ in a way you thought was never possible? A guy who showed you that you deserved more than you ever could have dreamed possible? This guy you will spend the rest of your life with and could not imagine your life without.

Yeah. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. Its rough. Let me tell you. And you probably won't just be broken once. Its a continuous process of being refined. My favorite analogy of this is the one of the coal and the pressure you have to put on it in order for it to be made into a diamond. Something so beautiful, so valuable made out of something ordinarily seen as dirty and insignificant. God does this to us; He puts us under extreme pressures and circumstances that turn us into what He wants us to be.

All of this leads to why I am writing to you now. This week is a hard week for me in all aspects as a student, as a daughter, as a friend, as a loved one, as a human. I have projects and tests scheduled from now until forever (student) not to mention responsibilities that I so well intentionally signed up for but could be in over my head in some of them. I have obligations and expectations put on me by the world, my professors, and by the ones I love, for me to be the best that I can be. However, that "best" comes with a price and there is a standard "best" set. In the nations news, Steve Jobs passed away yesterday, the CEO and founder of Mac/Apple computers. His innovation has driven the world of technology for many many years and will continue to do so; he is considered the Thomas Edison of our time. But most near and dear to my heart is the loss that I am feeling today. The heartache and gap that lie within my chest every day but that is especially aching as I write this. Three years ago today my Gran was reunited with her husband and most importantly her Lord and Savior Jesus. She was removed from my physical sight and touch, but she will forever be my spirit. She looks over me and after me. I feel her presence every day. Her best friend was Jesus and I strive every moment to live like she would. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and hold her for forever. I wish I could have one last hug and one last "I love you a bushel and a peck." And I am comforted in the fact that today she is rejoicing in Heaven with God and welcoming an old friend into the kingdom of Christ.

Today, I watched a speech given by Jobs in 2005, for class. I had never heard him speak before and was astounded at his wisdom and the profound way that he was just real with his audience. In his speech he said several things that I just could not live with myself if I didn't share. His words should live on forever, along with the creations of his mind.

• Don't settle for less. You have to keep looking for what you love whether in work or lovers. Keep looking until you find it
• You can only connect the dots when looking backward, it is impossible to connect them looking forward. Have faith in something that will connect them one day.
• "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish"-- always keep yourself on your toes & alive, create and dream.
• **STOP living someone else's life and start living your own.**

(**my favorite)

Challenge: Think about what you want, where you want to go, and what you want to do. Think about who you want to be and who you will be known as. Don't settle for something less than absolutely perfect. God has a plan for you despite this time in your life.

Gran- I hope I would make you proud. I miss you ever day and cannot wait to get to heaven to be with you. You are my role model and were such an example of the godly woman I want to become. God gained such a beautiful, magnificent soul that day in 2008. I will never forget you.

Romans 8:28

love me for me.

these past two weeks have been filled. filled to the brim with fun, exciting, sometimes stressful, eventful, glorious, beautiful memories. they have been shared with wonderful friends and fabulous family. i was blessed to enjoy a big birthday and then got to share in my closest friend's birthday celebration! it has been a whirlwind, but i wouldn't have it any other way. :)

what i've been learning these past few weeks is that i just want to love people. not in the way that you are probably thinking, not in a worldly way, not in a monetary way, but in a Christ-like way. I want each person that I come into contact with to see Christ's unending love for them. "We love because He first loved us." How much better can we say it? I've endured some frustrations lately in relationships, and I was blinded by that frustration so much that I lost the reality that no matter what, I am called to love those people. (yes, love even the ones that are frustrating or hurtful to you! its hard but Jesus loves us & we frustrate & hurt him every day!!!) If we love each other, how much more compared to that does God love us???!!! I don't know about you, but I have some really great people in my life whom I love deeply. And I just don't know how much more I could fathom loving someone, but Jesus does! What?! This is mind blowing.

I had a bible study last night with some younger girls. It was our first meeting and after all of the get to know you games & introductions, I had the opportunity to share the story of Ruth with them. Ruth is a special book to me. Its one of my favorite stories in the whole Bible simply because it is so simple & straightforward. Naomi & Ruth are alone. Their husbands have died, they have no income or way of providing for themselves besides "gleaning" (picking up the leftover wheat harvest). Ruth goes to glean at Boaz's plantation or farm (I dont know what they would have called it then ha!) & he favors her. He tells his workers to drop a little bit extra for Ruth, so that she would be able to take more wheat home. This is incredible to me! Ruth is a complete stranger to this man. Later, we find out that Boaz is second in line to be the rightful redeemer of Naomi (or Ruth in this case since she is younger). This means that he has the opportunity to marry Ruth in order to provide for her & Naomi. In today's time, this seems like an arranged marriage, like something creepy because Boaz is older. BUT it is so amazing. Boaz loves Ruth. He wants to save her from her widowed state. Think about it as a parallel to God's love for us. Boaz is a rich man. He has everything that he needs but he wants Ruth-- he loves Ruth. We are Ruth. God redeems us from our poverty stricken/widowed state. We are nothing yet He wants to save us. We are unworthy of His love but we receive it anyway.

This is so cool to me.

I know this is long. But I just feel that in these stressful times of first tests, events, obligations, and responsibilities of life we should be reminded that God loves us. John 16:33 says that Jesus overcame the world. He has conquered it all already so we don't have to worry if we have Him on our side.

So, stress no more. Give it to God. Have a great day and know that you are loved! :)

"my momma told me there'd be days like this"

I've been here for what, 2 weeks, now? Crazy, right, how time flies and days fade away? Seems like yesterday I was moving in for Freshman year. And look at me now, a Junior! A lot has changed since then, not only in my classification, but in my mind, my heart, my soul. I mean, really, have you ever thought about what it would be like to have your soul change? How cool it would be to look back after a time & see exactly in what areas you had changed into the person you are now? Not only that but the exact events could be pin pointed? Well this is how I'm feeling in week 2 at school.

I'm homesick. I find myself calling this "home" when it is not my home. Home as my precious roommate said earlier today "is where momma is, and my momma ain't here." Well, I want my momma. I know that I have to grow & (insert cliche) "spread my wings", but i miss the comforts of home.

As a Christian though, I do believe that, yes, home is where your mom is, but its also wherever you are with the Father. And the beautiful thing about that is that God is with us wherever we go. He lives in our hearts, in our minds, and yes, in our souls. See, this is the soul change that I mentioned earlier. I've come to realize and to remember that the Lord lives in me. Everyday when I wake up, He's here. When I go to sleep, He's here. I'm never alone. I'm never alone. You are never alone. I have so many people (including myself) in my life who are fighting battles. These battles, they'll get ya. They eat at you & destroy you from the inside out, but if you remember that God's with you, fighting with you & for you the entire way, then you have a chance of winning.

This year, although it is going to be hard at the beginning, will be the best yet. And this is why: because "although my heart and my flesh may fail God is my strength and my portion forever." God is good and He is all I need. He provides and my joy is found in Him alone.

newness [Ezekiel 37:4]

tomorrow.

wow. it all ends/begins, tomorrow. this summer comes to an abrupt halt as I move in to my new apartment and get prepared for a new year, Junior year to be exact. This will be the start of my third year in college. Thinking back three years ago today, i was a nervous wreck, scared, anxious, and sad to be leaving home. Now, I would love to tell you that it's easier and that I'm just ready to get out, but if I did, I would be lying through my teeth. My family is a really deep part of me; its more than a stable unit with a warm meal on weekends. They are my rock, refuge, and best of friends. My family is my "safe place," a "haven" when all else around me is unstable, and this summer I have thoroughly enjoyed the safety of home.

I am very excited to get back to school, to see what the Lord has in store for me, and to get back to my school "family" that has its own very special place in my heart. There are no better friends than those that I've met in these past 2 years of college. It feels as if we've known each other a lifetime & that kind of friendship is a rarity. God has blessed me so much with these people who not only share my love for our school, hobbies, and spending time together but more importantly we all share a deep love of the Father, which makes our bond exponentially stronger. I cannot describe in words just the impact that they have had on my life and the impact I see them having in the future. Without them, I would, in no way, be the same person that I am today.

So tonight, I reminisce on the fun, relaxing, and carefree summer that I am leaving behind, but I also anticipate the joys and blessings of the coming year. As I have written in the past and eluded to previously, I did not live out the Christian life of dependancy on God last semester as I should have. This not only directly effected my life, but more importantly affected my influence on those around me. For that I will always be incredibly sorry and repentant, knowing that God did things despite my attitude but things would have been easier if only I had obeyed. No regrets though, only learning and growing. God used this "desert road" experience in my life to develop my increased dependence on Him & obedience to His commands. One of my favorite verses and themes of this past summer has been Ezekiel 37:4, where the Lord says that He will replace in you a NEW heart & you become a NEW person in CHRIST. As one of my best friends told me when she was telling me of her summer at sbp, she said "Did you know that when we accept Christ, God sees Christ's perfection instead of our sin? I've never realized that before! HOW COOL?!" Thank the Lord for His mercies every day! Let the glory & praise come to Him this year.

want v. need

There is this constant battle in each of our lives against what we want and what we need. Our hearts are torn between the two & often have them extremely confused.

A little back story on this- I leave for Junior year of college in 12 days- its something I am both anticipating but resenting it at the same time. And all of these thoughts are driving my mind to think of many other battles of my mind.

What I want: love, appreciation, success, forgiveness, encouragement, reinforcement, affirmation, good relationships, Jesus.

(pretty much in this order...this list could go on for days I'm sure, simply because I am human & humans are selfish in nature.)

What I need: Jesus.

I mean isn't that the truth, though? Everything that we want can be achieved if only we accept & go after what we need first. This would be why mom always tells you to eat your dinner before you eat dessert. By having dessert first, we neglect to give our bodies the proper nutrients, although it is really what we think we want.

Redeem my broken soul

Hey God, It's me, Bellamy. I haven't always been who you want me to be. I haven't always been that light to the world. I've hidden it. I've stifled your love to others. I've judged & misunderstood. I haven't been humble or forgiving to loved ones much less strangers. Lord, forgive me, please, restore this broken soul. Put in me a new heart (Ezekiel 37:4). I've let you down in the past God, but I'm only human. Mistakes are my nature & failure is the only thing I'm good at succeeding. However, with YOU, God, Your spirit is in me & "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. I guess it took hitting bottom to look towards You, Lord. How silly is that? How childish to not admit the need of help? God, I admit it now. I need your help. Lord I love you. Thank you for calling me daughter, even though I fall constantly. AMEN.

This post, although it may seem too personal for a blog, I feel like it needs to be shown. I've struggled from January to the end of May at not being good enough. I thought that I wasn't good enough for others much less the Creator of the world. Those were some tough months. I wasn't nice or fun to be around. I put on a happy face but behind clothes doors I was a wreck- conflicted & confused. I tried to look for answers in all of the wrong places. I was mad at God for not giving me what I thought I "needed." That was so stupid of me. Only God knows what I need. In James, it says that God provides for the birds of the air, so how much more will He provide for His children?! and I doubted that. What?! I've never been that person & don't ask why I became that person last semester because honestly I couldn't begin to pinpoint it. I was sad, and why I don't know. All I do know is that I came home for the summer looking for something else. I thought it would be a disappointment & a drag, not because I don't love my family dearly, but because it wasn't what I thought I "needed" like I said earlier. I started comparing my life to others--- let me warn you here: that is NEVER good, no two people are the same & everyone's purpose is uniquely theirs.

So I spent the first few weeks of summer in a tailspin. I was enjoying it but at the same time wishing I was somewhere else. I talked to my best friend- my mom- who knows everything about me. After talking to her, everything changed. I started being content with life & where God had placed me. I learned to appreciate life & the little things just as I always had before that weird 6 month period. I got out of my rut & I don't ever want to go back to that dark place. This summer has been my "God" summer. I've discovered a deeper relationship & dependency on Him that I had started wandering away from. I'm back now, here to stay and I'm happy to say that I'm Bellamy again! :)) I would have never made it out of this past semester without my incredible family that I've already mentioned but most of all the people that I live with- my friends. God has placed all of these people in my life for their own reasons. I heard a quote the other day-- The best part of falling down is the people who help you up. So true. I am so thankful for this summer & how far I've come. Its truly been the best summer of my life.

BRING ON JUNIOR YEAR. I can do anything with Christ & I look forward to the adventure that this next year brings.

breathe

This week has been slightly insane. It was a lot busier than most of my weeks this summer, yet I didn't DO anything. I volunteered, went to class, went to the doctor (found out i'm sick, yuck!), and laid in bed. yeah sounds like i was overwhelmed right?! well actually i was! it was so weird. I did nothing, but it was so tiring. Probably due to the fact that I was sick all week and didn't know it, or maybe because I was catching up from all the sleep I missed on my fabulous July 4th weekend (yeah that was probably it). That was such a good weekend. Blessings were uncovered that I had completely overlooked in my life. Blessings that are so small and seemingly insignificant, but when you discover them you are awestruck with their magnitude. Good, godly friendships are definitely something that I've taken for-granted my entire life. Growing up in the "bubble" I grew up in, it was definitely a shocker when I got to college and everyone hadn't been raised the way I had been raised. Oddly enough, some people's backgrounds don't define where they end up and who they are at this point of life and we had tons in common. This led to a blooming frienship, one in which was, I believe, ordained solely by God. The things that I have learned in the friendships of my short lifetime are just so amazing and awe inspiring. They lead me to the Lord each time I am reminded of them. I constantly turn to God and say, "Wow, Lord you had this planned from Day 1 and I didn't even know." God's plan. Its something that we as Christians often flippantly say. Such as, "Well, it was God's plan I go to Panera today because I had a free pastry on my rewards card!" But the type of God's plan talks I'm talking about it are the ones where that moment in your life, that desert road of a time, that lonely place you thought you would never leave led you to the most joyous and God glorifying place in your life. This plan is GOD ORCHESTRATED.

This summer has had an overall theme of "contentment in Christ" for me. Everything that I wanted for this summer simply did not turn out the way that I wanted to AT ALL. But i've learned to find beauty in the broken-ness and Joy in pain. Because GOD has orchestrated this for me and it is beautiful.