Lately, I have been studying for the biggest exam of my life thus far... the MCAT. It is a dreaded exam, 4 hours in length, covering physics, general & organic chemistry, and biology plus 2 essays. Barf. Needless to say I have been eating, sleeping, and dreaming of science for the past months of my life. And as corny as this is, 90% of the time I absolutely adore it.
Today was a 10% day. A rainy summer day, after a long week of class where all I wanted to do was curl up and watch a movie with my puppy and have my mom's homemade brownies when I went downstairs. Much to my chagrin, that is not what my day had in store. My day started off with a negative attitude, an ungrateful voice, and a spoiled brat perspective. I'm calling myself out here (with some help from loved ones); instead of being incredibly grateful for the opportunity to study and understand this material, a mind that God has blessed me with, a gift and step toward the life of purpose that I feel God has planned for me, I just sat and complained for a little while.
Now, I feel like we are all allowed a "complain day" every once in a while; no one can be happy all the time. But when I complain or pout, I am blinded and have a failure to remember that I have millions upon millions of reasons to be blessed that far outweigh my reasons to complain. It's these times that I forget about my experience in Costa Rica and my dear friends, brothers, and sisters there who would be delighted to have half of the opportunities that I have been offered. Its the times that I am ungrateful that I fail (epically) to recognize that the Lord is the only one who can change my state of mind. He is the only one that can comfort me or give me any sort of joy in the situation.
Isaiah 6:1 was my devotional for the night, which says "In the year Uzziah died, I saw the Lord." Oswald Chambers puts it frankly that Isaiah was too dependent on Uzziah being in his life, much like we are on our best friends and family, and that when God took Uzziah, Isaiah had to look at God. He couldn't look anywhere else for his identity or to solve his problems. Well God, you caught me. I'm totally Isaiah. Don't you just LOVE being called out by God. Seems like just when you think you've got something hidden from Him, He just pulls the rug out from you & throws it back into your face to say "No no no my child, I am the Lord. not you."
And boy is He right. I've turned everywhere. I've looked in every nook and cranny, unturned every rock, and gone to everyone I know. I have exhausted all resources, yet I have not spoken to God about it. Probably because I didn't want to hear what He had to say. "Love your neighbor as yourself" just isn't the same as a friend saying, "well you should just blah blah blah to that girl because she's a blah blah blah." Or "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God."
I've said it SO many times and I am consistently failing beyond belief, but I have to let go and give it to God, or I will be a miserable human being.
Our capacity to be there for others, to support and love them comes from an overflow of God's love and joy in us. What will we give to others if we are down trodden and dried up? We want to give others the extras, the good stuff- no the best of us, and if we only have a drop or two it's going to be the "OK" stuff. No one wants to be given a gift that is "OK," you always want to give the best gift.
So, my resolution on this Friday the 13th, is to trust the Lord with everything and to be so filled with His unspeakable joy that it shines through me. Because a great friend once told me that "Happiness comes and goes, but no one can take your joy when it is rooted in the Lord."
Goodnight, beautiful.
Don't let anyone take your joy. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment