Redeem my broken soul

Hey God, It's me, Bellamy. I haven't always been who you want me to be. I haven't always been that light to the world. I've hidden it. I've stifled your love to others. I've judged & misunderstood. I haven't been humble or forgiving to loved ones much less strangers. Lord, forgive me, please, restore this broken soul. Put in me a new heart (Ezekiel 37:4). I've let you down in the past God, but I'm only human. Mistakes are my nature & failure is the only thing I'm good at succeeding. However, with YOU, God, Your spirit is in me & "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. I guess it took hitting bottom to look towards You, Lord. How silly is that? How childish to not admit the need of help? God, I admit it now. I need your help. Lord I love you. Thank you for calling me daughter, even though I fall constantly. AMEN.

This post, although it may seem too personal for a blog, I feel like it needs to be shown. I've struggled from January to the end of May at not being good enough. I thought that I wasn't good enough for others much less the Creator of the world. Those were some tough months. I wasn't nice or fun to be around. I put on a happy face but behind clothes doors I was a wreck- conflicted & confused. I tried to look for answers in all of the wrong places. I was mad at God for not giving me what I thought I "needed." That was so stupid of me. Only God knows what I need. In James, it says that God provides for the birds of the air, so how much more will He provide for His children?! and I doubted that. What?! I've never been that person & don't ask why I became that person last semester because honestly I couldn't begin to pinpoint it. I was sad, and why I don't know. All I do know is that I came home for the summer looking for something else. I thought it would be a disappointment & a drag, not because I don't love my family dearly, but because it wasn't what I thought I "needed" like I said earlier. I started comparing my life to others--- let me warn you here: that is NEVER good, no two people are the same & everyone's purpose is uniquely theirs.

So I spent the first few weeks of summer in a tailspin. I was enjoying it but at the same time wishing I was somewhere else. I talked to my best friend- my mom- who knows everything about me. After talking to her, everything changed. I started being content with life & where God had placed me. I learned to appreciate life & the little things just as I always had before that weird 6 month period. I got out of my rut & I don't ever want to go back to that dark place. This summer has been my "God" summer. I've discovered a deeper relationship & dependency on Him that I had started wandering away from. I'm back now, here to stay and I'm happy to say that I'm Bellamy again! :)) I would have never made it out of this past semester without my incredible family that I've already mentioned but most of all the people that I live with- my friends. God has placed all of these people in my life for their own reasons. I heard a quote the other day-- The best part of falling down is the people who help you up. So true. I am so thankful for this summer & how far I've come. Its truly been the best summer of my life.

BRING ON JUNIOR YEAR. I can do anything with Christ & I look forward to the adventure that this next year brings.

breathe

This week has been slightly insane. It was a lot busier than most of my weeks this summer, yet I didn't DO anything. I volunteered, went to class, went to the doctor (found out i'm sick, yuck!), and laid in bed. yeah sounds like i was overwhelmed right?! well actually i was! it was so weird. I did nothing, but it was so tiring. Probably due to the fact that I was sick all week and didn't know it, or maybe because I was catching up from all the sleep I missed on my fabulous July 4th weekend (yeah that was probably it). That was such a good weekend. Blessings were uncovered that I had completely overlooked in my life. Blessings that are so small and seemingly insignificant, but when you discover them you are awestruck with their magnitude. Good, godly friendships are definitely something that I've taken for-granted my entire life. Growing up in the "bubble" I grew up in, it was definitely a shocker when I got to college and everyone hadn't been raised the way I had been raised. Oddly enough, some people's backgrounds don't define where they end up and who they are at this point of life and we had tons in common. This led to a blooming frienship, one in which was, I believe, ordained solely by God. The things that I have learned in the friendships of my short lifetime are just so amazing and awe inspiring. They lead me to the Lord each time I am reminded of them. I constantly turn to God and say, "Wow, Lord you had this planned from Day 1 and I didn't even know." God's plan. Its something that we as Christians often flippantly say. Such as, "Well, it was God's plan I go to Panera today because I had a free pastry on my rewards card!" But the type of God's plan talks I'm talking about it are the ones where that moment in your life, that desert road of a time, that lonely place you thought you would never leave led you to the most joyous and God glorifying place in your life. This plan is GOD ORCHESTRATED.

This summer has had an overall theme of "contentment in Christ" for me. Everything that I wanted for this summer simply did not turn out the way that I wanted to AT ALL. But i've learned to find beauty in the broken-ness and Joy in pain. Because GOD has orchestrated this for me and it is beautiful.