"How good the Fathers love for us"

3 years ago today, my family began a journey into the unknown. We were in Memphis, TN in a stark white hospital waiting on news from surgeons working on my brother. You see, about 2 months prior, doctors found a problem with his neck revealing a highly unstable spine. The problem was at C1-C2 which for those non-medical people is right at the base of your skull; a very vulnerable place for a problem in which a vast majority of problems could arise. Surgeons in Birmingham had performed only a handful of these surgeries and said that the odds of survival were low, with a high probability of complications including but not limited to paralyzation and severely decreased quality of life. Coincidently (although I don't believe in coincidence), I happened to be taking Physiology that semester which included a research component. When I heard about the lack of experience of the Birmingham surgeons, I went to PubMed and began searching the specific issue my brother had just been diagnosed with. I found the leading surgeons in the field, called to see if they would see my brother, and they happened to be in Memphis, TN. He got an appointment and scheduled surgery after 3D MRIs, CT scans, and X-rays - the surgeons built a model of my brothers spine to work from (& I got to keep it!). My family felt very confident in this group of surgeons, they knew their stuff and had performed many of these same cases. They gave us no promises of no complications from surgery, but they were fairly sure that things would go smoothly.

Back to February 29, 2012. It was a long procedure and seemed like we waited forever. Finally, the surgeons came to give us a report - the surgery went smoothly with no complications seen yet! Praise the Lord! I remember going to my brothers ICU room, there he was laying asleep, a pained look on his face, in a neck brace which he would have to wear for several months longer. But he was alive, not paralyzed, and hitting on the nurses like crazy - he was ok and I was relieved. I cried the whole way back to Nashville that day. I'd experienced first hand the sovereignty and grace of God who provided extremely skilled surgeons and well equipped hospital to care for my brother. We spent the next week or more in the hospital with him, thankfully it was my spring break. 

Three years later, I still feel incredibly grateful for Gods provision for my brother. He's 18, plays baseball, drives vintage cars, and does well in school. He has side effects of the surgery and has had intensive, brutal physical therapy that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But despite all the hard stuff he's been through at such a young age, he's the funniest guy I know, sweet, loving, and one of my closest friends. 

Reflecting on this today, I'm reminded of the stories of Job and Paul who suffered greatly for unknown reasons but trusted the Lord for guidance and provision. We've been studying Job in small group. Job is such a strong man, he struggles physically, emotionally, and mentally with so much loss and illness inflicted on him but His faith remains strong. Then there's Paul, who asks the Lord several times to take away the thorn in his side. Yet, each time he asks, he's denied. Romans 8:28 says "for all things work together for the good of those who love Him" - although the past 3 years have been hard in a myriad of ways, I think that the Lord has used this in my brothers life to make our whole family closer to each other, to the Lord, and most of all to trust that God provides. 

Thankful for my brothers life today! Love you more than you know, Brennan! You're the best brother & friend I could ask for. 

overwhelmed

too often we use the word "overwhelmed" to mean busy or stressed. we glorify our situation to an entirely new state of chaos. I'm guilty of it more than anyone. I tend to use words that aren't descriptive, that don't give good insight into where I am or how I'm feeling. For instance, saying "very sad" instead of "gloomy" or "very sunny" instead of "bright." Overwhelmed is used for busy-ness and stress, for times when there are so many thing and emotions and events happening at one time that you can't really sum it up into anything else but the over saturation of your mind and schedule.

But there is another typed of overwhelmed. A good kind. One can be overwhelmed by beauty or love. Overwhelmed by the glory of the Lord or mercy or any other aspect of the Creator of the Universe that we call Father.

I dwell on this negative type of overwhelmed entirely too much. Yes, I'm busy. Yes, I'm stressed. No, I am not overwhelmed with negativity or beyond the point of going any more.

If I were not a Christian, I might be allowed to be overwhelmed. But as a Christian, I am reminded daily of the love of Christ, forgiveness of Christ, the sacrifice of Christ, and the redemption of Christ. God calls us to lay our burdens down at His feet.

lately, I've felt too burdened to let go of my burden (that doesn't even make sense as I write it, but it is what it is). you see I have this life that keeps throwing me curve balls and bumps in the roads and flat tires. The enemy is getting me down pretty good. Then I was encouraged today with "don't waste your day because you might not have tomorrow." How true! Several people around me have passed away recently unexpectedly. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We cannot worry about what is going to happen - it does no good. It only stresses us out or "overwhelms."

Lots of change is going on right now in areas of my life, God is sovereign. When I wonder what comes next - God is sovereign. He has shown me time and time again that His plans are greater than mine could ever be. He has fulfilled and been faithful in Romans 8:28 "For all things work together for the good of those who love Him." Why should it be different this time or in this change or today? It shouldn't.

I am weak. I return to my old ways time and time again. Guess what? I'm human. but Christ is so much more. He turns me towards Him, in the right direction. He never leaves or forsakes me. I can be overwhelmed by His glory and His love for me despite my weakness. I can be overwhelmed by His provision and faithfulness. And I can stand firm that He will show me the way if only I will listen.



"Overwhelmed" - Big Daddy weave

Full Reliance [Psalms 46]

The past few months have been slightly a blur - whizz - busy - fast. 
With the semester coming to a close, I can only think about the short 3 months I will have off before fall, and I say short because they will be packed and busier than ever. 
In a little over a week, I'll be heading to a two week training course on global health issues. When I return from that, I'll be starting my internship working with HPV and cervical cancer data - which I couldn't be more excited about, by the way. I'll also start two courses, apply for Physician Assistant school, and work 20 hour weeks. *SIGH* I get anxious just typing it out. But lets be honest, I am pumped - excited - beyond belief. I've found that I am most satisfied when my life is full and busy and purposeful. All of which describe the upcoming summer. 

I have to watch out though. I keep using the word "I" and there is very little that "I" can do, all of these opportunities were made possible only through the grace of God. Recently, I realized how utterly dependent I have been on others for things such as happiness, assurance, and satisfaction. But oh was I so wrong… the human condition - we are all sinners, no one better than the other, all covered by the blood of Christ. Setting up these expectations that humans can fulfill these areas of my life only set me up for failure. We all let each other down - it's rarely intentional, but it happens. 

Then like a light-bulb (*ding*) I was reminded that God is my Savior and He is in control of it all. Reading Psalms 46, David is writing about battles of war  between him and a close by territory. He writes a cry to God thanking Him for delivering Him and praises the Lord for His refuge against His enemies. David writes about God being with Him constantly during his battles and in his victories. The Psalmist emphasizes God's comfort and sovereignty over all things. 

What a reassurance that: 

God is in the busy-ness. God is in the slowness. God is in the mess you think you are in. God is in the raging storms and in the calmest oceans. God points us to His handiwork and beauty to see His grace. 

Rest in Him. Go to Him. Let Him take care of you.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,

    a very present[b] help in trouble.

2 

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

3 

though its waters roar and foam,

    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

4 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy habitation of the Most High.

5 

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

    God will help her when morning dawns.

6 

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

    he utters his voice, the earth melts.

7 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

8 

Come, behold the works of the Lord,

    how he has brought desolations on the earth.

9 

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the chariots with fire.

10 

“Be still, and know that I am God.

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth!”

11 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

lies my mirror told me

          my dear sisters and friends, this world throws unruly lies at you from all sides every day, relentless in it's desire to tear you down. The world tells you that you are not pretty enough, you are not skinny enough, you are not desirable. You aren't hip enough or trendy enough. You could never be smart enough. You're not popular enough. You are not loved. You do not deserve love. The world seeks revenge easily and without second chances. It deceives you into traps of discontentment and provides false sense of belonging when you finally think you've made it. The world throws rocks at you while you are climbing up the mountains on the hard days and tries to drown out all happiness and hope others send your way. The world is evil and dark. The world does not want you to succeed -  no, in fact, it very much so would like to see you fail. The world rejoices in your misfortunes.

         Sometimes the world comes in the shape of your "closest" friends, your boyfriend, your siblings, even your parents. Sometimes it's the clothes at the mall from the store all your friends shop at, but that don't fit you and leave you feeling humiliated, ashamed, and gross - inside and out. Other times, it's your teammates who laugh when you strike out or call you names behind your back. Then sometimes, it can be the voices in your head that night you don't get invited to the party - "they hate me. I'm not cool enough. Who would want me there anyway?" I know I can vividly remember times like these when I was in junior high and high school, and even now I can let the world have a little bit too much of my mind. But now I realize…

          the world LIES.

           The Creator of the Universe called you into being - it was not a mistake. He did not mess up in making you exactly who you are. No, He did not say "oops! I really wish I made her hair a little darker, her eyes a little lighter, and her nose a little smaller." He said, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made; I know that full well." 

            

           The world lies to see how much damage it can do. It wants to break you down, bring you into its darkness, and make you feel hopeless and helpless. The world hates the Light. [John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.]

Listen to this woman's story about overcoming insecurities stemming from the worlds misconceptions of beautiful (Lupita Nyongo) : http://time.com/11692/lupita-nyongo-essence-black-beauty/

           So, my prayer for you is that you know you are worthy, you are loved, you are desired. You are wanted; you are enough. Your worth, your sense of belonging, your beauty - none of it comes from you or anyone around you, but from the One who made you. He formed you and knit you together before you were even conceived on Earth. He knew you then and fully knows you even now. He made a way for you that only He has the map to guide you through. Know your worth is found in who you are in Christ - not the number of friends you have, your score on a test, or your relationship status. Know that Christ deeply desires for you to be in a relationship with Him. Most of all, know that you don't have to bring anything to the table - in fact you have to give it all up. You have to let go of what people think of you and what they will say. You must take a leap of faith and trust that God has bigger and better plans for you than you can ever imagine. 

           most of all know that what makes you beautiful is not your jean or bra size, it is not in your make-up or designer clothes or your social circle. It is your soul.

God makes no mistakes.

be still, my heart

Mark 4:35-41 tells the story of the disciples crossing a body of water at night during a storm. the disciples in their completely human nature, become extremely fearful of what will happen in the midst of the thunder, lightning, and crashing waves.
some brave soul goes to a sleeping Jesus and wakes him up screaming something loosely translated "Jesus - are you kidding me?! How can you be sleeping while we are about to capsize? We're gonna die! Do something!"

Jesus casually and calmly wakes up, without a word until He puts His hand up & says "Be still." He then says "Do you have no faith? Did I not tell you we would cross to the other side?" (Jesus was a whole lot nicer than I would've been if someone had woken me up from such a sleep - especially since they weren't trusting and resting in the power and sovereignty of God who was with them in the ship!)

This is me the majority of the time. I'm a worrier and a thinker; I need a plan. Pride gets the best of me this way. As humans don't we always think that the world revolves around us? That our problems are the end of the world & are bigger than anything anyone else has or will experience? Or how about our plans? We think that we know best - if God would just give us that one thing, then we would have it made. I think that I have some sort of control over what happens, but really - what God plans is the best plan and it will happen regardless of my comfort, peace, or approval.

God is really cool in this way though. When we start to pray that our plan becomes His plan, He brings our will into alignment with His will. Sometimes He evens gives us a glimpse of what is ahead and how everything is working together in the big scheme of things. God may never give us those glimpses, they might be rare - few and far between. We are but mere 'vapors in the wind.' We are each just a part of the story of the growth and prosperity of His Kingdom with the goal of glorifying God.

Almost 1 year ago, I graduated from college and embarked on a new journey. I wasn't very excited about where I was headed. I was bitter and if I'm brutally honest, I was sulking. God hadn't given me what I (thought) I wanted - medical school or graduate school in a new adventurous city. God shut a door and I acted excited but I was disappointed. I was one of the disciples in the boat - "God, REALLY?! are you kidding?! I'm not going to make it there? I will hate it! I have to leave everyone I know - I'll be alone! Do you want that for me?! Hello!"-- I was whining - and I whined for a while, y'all.

But, after a few solid weeks of crying myself to sleep, filling my days with mindless activities, and cleaning, I began to see the reason God shut the door I had wanted most. First, it was my family - they mean the world to me and being here means I get to enjoy them. Then, I was blessed with a dream job - an amazing opportunity to work next to my mentor, friend, and gain another mentor/second mother. I couldn't ask for a better work family; they support me, laugh with me, and push me to reach my goals. (things are looking up right?) I got involved in a great small group of encouraging, godly, single women. God has truly blessed me most through these women's love and friendship.

Lastly, I started graduate school for my Masters in Public Health and I found out why God closed those other doors. He showed me my passions and my sense of belonging - in the midst of experiencing extreme loneliness. Recently, I accepted an internship I never thought would be possible. It is focusing on global public health in researching human papillomavirus (HPV) and cervical cancer in refugee women from Nepal. And I will be here - with my family, keeping my job, staying with my church & my small group, and getting to graduate on time - God provides by His grace and mercy. 

You see, I was in the midst of the 'storm of life' and I was questioning God's presence in that storm. But He was there the whole time - orchestrating each 'wave' for His glory and ultimately my good.

The Lord provides even when we don't see Him. Keep the faith even when it's hard, y'all. God is good.

a remarkable birth for an unremarkable people

(After reflecting on a long drive tonight, I tied together some things I've been thinking about the last week or so….. )

Tonight, as most of the world knows, is Christmas Eve. It is not a holiday celebrated by all, nor acknowledge in all countries. It is not a uniform tradition even across families in the same neighborhood. Every individual ethnic group, people, family, or unit of some sort holds their own traditions and customs for the Christmas season, whether it means good food, big parties, elaborate decorations, wrapping, extravagant presents, or simply a nativity service attended and simple meal shared. However, the universal truth is that Christmas Eve represents the night Jesus Christ - the Almighty God, holy and righteous - was born on Earth - fully human. 

John Piper's book "Spectacular Sins" repeatedly points readers to the reality that Christ experienced all things human during his time on Earth. He has experienced the pain, loss, brokenness, hurt, longing, desire, love, passion -- well, you get it, everything. 

But why was it necessary for Jesus to come? Jesus - the Christ, Emmanuel, Mighty God, Prince of Peace, God with us, "Adonai", "Yahweh."

God's only Son

The answer lies in sin. 

Our sin to be exact. 

You see, we aren't anywhere near perfect - and I think 99% of us would willingly admit to that. We're flawed. But this is not a condition of creation. No, when God created Adam and Eve they were perfect and in constant communion with Christ. However, they, like all of us, strayed from God's will. Satan - the fallen arch angel - tempted them to disobey the Lord & *poof* just like that, sin entered the world. 

But God knew all along that this would happen. He knew that Satan would rebel. He knew that Adam & Eve would disobey. Yet, He still created them & (seemingly) let it all happen. 

Why? 

Because all of it will ultimately display the splendor and majesty and glory of the One True God. All suffering, all sin, all hardship in the lives of Believers will exemplify the glory of God (regardless of them seeing that purpose while on Earth or not - sometimes suffering even means death). God promises though that the Christian who dies on Earth for His name will have no hair on their head misplaced in Heaven. (a.k.a. eternal life - no tears, no sorrow, constant communion with God) 

WOW. 

What does this mean for Christmas? 

Well, it means that today we thank God for the gift He sent to Heaven in sacrifice for us.

It means we praise Jesus for His willingness to come to Earth and obey God to an extent no other human being (David, Solomon, Abraham, etc.) had before.

And this is the reason we celebrate - because Christ lived, died, and rose again we may live. 

Hallelujah. 

Jesus Christ has overcome sin. He is the Almighty God. He has power over all the Earth, and with a single breath can command storms to cease. 

The precious baby that came more than 2000 years ago has saved me from the punishment I deserve. 

Tonight, I encourage you to listen to this song (this version just happens to have one of my best friends singing) and remember that Christ has redeemed you, reconciled & forgiven your sin - past, present, and future. He loves you with an everlasting love. Glorify Him with every breath, for the things of this world are momentary, but the things of the Spirit are eternal.

blessed. 

Merry Christmas

Oh, holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees

Oh, hear the Angel voices

Oh, night divine, oh, night

When Christ was born

Oh, night divine, oh, night

Oh, night divine

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother

And in His name all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us praise His holy name

Christ is the Lord, let ever, ever praise Thee

Noel, Noel

Oh, night, oh, night divine

Noel, Noel

Oh, night, oh, night divine

Noel, Noel

Oh, night, oh, night divine

Identity Crisis

Lately, I've looked like this. A lot. 

Unfortunately not for the same reasons - these were "I-want-to-stay-here-forever" tears. 

No, this week has been "Are-you-kidding-me-I-cant-believe-this-is-happening" tears.

But, it doesn't matter the cause of them, their healing is solely completed in Christ's perfect love. 

The knowledge that He is sovereign, and His plan is absolutely flawless. 

Almost 2 years ago, when this photo was taken, I was in Costa Rica. This is the country that God chose to develop my sense of purpose, realize my passion for people, and cultivate a life a service. Now, my life goals pretty much completely changed, and my heart softened and attuned to His desires, I am pursuing global health, public health, and how this all fits in sharing the gospel. 

Inevitably though, somewhere along the way, I always get comfortable. Either I'm comfortable in my location and surroundings, friend group, home, or my faith (the most dangerous of all). 

This is where I've been - Comfortable. 

Although, its not the comfortable you think of, you know "snuggled in bed with a good book by the fire." 

No. Its the "I'm invincible, nothing can get in my way, I don't need anyone for anything" kind.

The dangerous kind. 

Often as Christians, we think that it's ok to be comfortable - but this is such a bold faced lie. 

We've been going through 1 & 2 Corinthians at church, and Paul is one of the best examples of this. He lives such a truly Christ-like, servant life, yet he suffers many hardships. He is persecuted, unappreciated, alone (single), and has a "thorn" God will not remove. One of the most obedient men in the Bible and he suffers. In fact, 2 Corinthians 4 is about that suffering. 

It is a guarantee.

There are many other examples in the Bible - Job, Ruth, Abraham - all suffered. 

So, this week as I've suffered with things such as grades, relationships, and loneliness, God has pointed me to these people. My pastor said it best on Sunday - "Your identity is not found in relationship status, employment, achievements, performance, job title, salary, the world. You are defined by Christ, as a Christian." 

Hallelujah. 

Tonight - I rejoice in my identity as a daughter of the true King. 

2 Corinthians 4:13-19

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[b] Since we have that same spirit of[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak,14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 34:17-18

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles. 
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.