"Love one another"

eh. classes just started back. thats how i feel about it. just another semester, another 4 months of work, classes, tests, and projects. I should be excited right? its spring semester which means summer is closer. I'm about 4 months away from leaving for Nicaragua for 2 weeks. I'm 7 months from my best friends wedding, 3 months from spring break, etc. but I'm not really. I didn't even really want to unpack when I got here. I've never been unhappy being back at school; something about the love here, the people, and the community have always made me rush back in. Not this time. I came back with a lot more on my plate this time though, more than usual. I came back resenting my dreams for pulling me away from family. I resented my goals and aspirations. And after a brief breakdown with my best friend, I realized that I'm not abandoning anyone by following my dreams & goals. I'm not picking one over the other. Simply living, living 4 hours away.

In living, you have to trust. Correction- you dont have to, but man it would be such a miserable life without it. You have to lean on people, and in turn they have to lean on you. Its not only just an innate human quality, like breathing, but a biblical one. 1 John 4:11 and 1 Peter 1:22 are two places that I've found it. Camaraderie and brotherhood are common themes throughout the Bible. Searching for trust this week, I've known that as a Christian I should be trusting God. I should be turning to Him alone, but then I can't see or touch Him so how does that help me feel not alone? Predicament. Well, after reading these verses, I remember (and feel rather stupid) that God gave us friends, family, and people around us to trust, to lean on, and to love us in times of trouble or hardship. Not only that, but they are a demonstration of His love for us and care for us. WOAH. mind blown. You mean I can pray and trust God and in doing so, He will give me people that support and build me up?! YES.

Its like what we've started learning in physiology, about membrane potential. The sodium and potassium ions are responsible for the membrane potential that leads to action potential, which is the action that you actually perform or feel. The membrane potential tells the action potential to "go" tell the neurons to fire. (*super limited knowledge on this so far because its the first week of class but so far this is generally how I understand it) But, without membrane potential there is no action potential response. Without praying to God and trusting in God, no "action potential" would occur. Nothing would change. But the "action potential" can be carried out by whoever He has placed in your life.

Who is your support? your "action potential"? Do you hold them up as much as they do you?

plans

My last post was about being wrecked & broken, so it seems only fitting that this post is about healing & restoration.

Some things have been going on in my family that few people know all about. This stuff has hurt me, scared me, left me worried, & my mind spinning. All of it sort of had to do with the one part of life that every human loves most- plans, control, etc. We like to have a plan, a strategy of some sort. Even the most UNorganized and spur of the moment people have some semblance of an idea where they want to go with life.

What if I told you that "plans" were what get us into trouble? Someone once said that a good way to make God laugh is to make plans. Well, recently my family experienced this all too close to home. We had planned to go on a family vacation, a rare thing for all of us to get to attend since we're scattered across the states. When the plans fell through we could either be upset about it or make the best of it. So we made the best off it. We got to know each other in a deeper way. We discovered strengths we each possess & made our family stronger as a whole. One night we talked about our individual life goals for the next 10 years; I learned a lot that night.

I think there is healing in knowing and learning that there is a plan in place that's not yours and that will always turn out for the best.

I thought I would share my ideal plan for my next 10 years and where I want to be, but this in no way is saying that this is where I will be.

1. I want to go to med school.

2. I want to meet people all over the world by going there and serving.

3. I want to be a doctor.

4. I want to skydive.

5. I want to write a book.

6. I want to get married.

7. I want to adopt.

8. I want a to live on a farm with horses & pigs.

this is me: the real me.

"If we could read the secret histories of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

- Longfellow

"Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear- abandonment."

"over the years we've come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them"

"The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you"

These quotes come from a book I'm reading that a good friend gave to me earlier this year called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. This book is wrecking me- in a good way (i guess). Its tearing down my guard and hitting closer to the vest than I'm normally comfortable with. It's a book about womanhood and being the woman that God has created you to be and how life/childhood has shaped you, and it's caused me to look a lot deeper into my own life.

Warning: This is where I'm going to get real.

I've always been overweight, ever since I was little. I can't remember not having a soda or being told that I couldn't eat something. "no" didn't exist. It became a bigger issue the older that I got. I never really knew why I ate, but looking back it was because food=love. When I ate, I felt loved, accepted, and appreciated. Food can't reject you. I found the love I longed for in relationships with my dad and others in food. Ultimately coming up short because in being overweight I turned away acceptance of others. A vicious cycle I've battled for years.

My parents got divorced when I was around 11. It wasn't a surprise or shock to me, but attending a private school it was not socially kosher. The "special" treatment I got from teachers and other classmates didn't help my fears of fitting in. And the actual divorce left me feeling like no relationships would ever work out. I became very amiable at this point in my life. I wanted to please any and every one, so that maybe, just maybe, some one would appreciate and love me for it. I found that I was never enough for most people. My mom and my grandmother (Gran) were always supportive and reassuring, struggling with the same acceptance and people pleasing issues that I was stumbling into.

This continued throughout high school, and quite possibly worsened. After friend changes and feeling at times unwanted and unneeded, I drowned myself in school work and family. I emotionally distanced myself from "friends" because why would someone want to be friends with me?

It wasn't until the lonely desolate days of my freshman year of college that I figured it out. I felt accepted and loved by people I had only known for a few weeks! I turned to God summer before college and said "I want to be loved for who I am, because You created me and I know that means I am valuable." and thats exactly what happened. I felt valuable. I have friends who love my quirkiness and my annoying mothering of them. I have friends who appreciate my heart and understand the way I get hurt and how my mind operates. I have friends now who are trying to heal the wounds left from my past. God gave me sisters.

Some say that wounds make you who you are; that they shape you and form you. But in Captivating, I'm learning to appreciate a new perspective on brokenness. In the garden of Eden, Eve sinned & all of humanity fell away from God. If this had not happened, we wouldn't feel a lack of intimacy with God or each other. We wouldn't feel inadequate or not enough, and we wouldn't hurt one another. And we wouldn't try to control our lives once bad things happen.

So, starting now, I'm going to tear down my guard, brick by brick, and trust in God that being vulnerable to these same hurts and heartaches is in His plan. Because brick walls don't only keep out further hurt, they keep in the past. I encourage you to tear yours down too. We can do it together.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

"There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Its nights like this, where I'm laying alone in my bed after a fabulous day of being at home that I wonder why being away is so great. It makes me think. I like being home. It's comfortable, and safe, and well, familiar. But I know that after about a week, I'll be going stir crazy for some shenanigans with my college family. Nights like tonight, with my best friend of 6 years - correction-- sister-- make me think that I don't need anything else. I just need home, love, and family. Life is full of complicated situations and unnecessary drama, why can't it just be as simple as "love." My friend had a shirt on that said "Live Simply," and I've been wondering "what does simply mean?" Does it mean less stuff? Less people? Less distraction? What? I think it looks different for different people, but basically just don't complicate your life. Keep to the necessities. And for me, that means I don't need much to survive: loving family & friends, a place to sleep, and a good book.

Be thankful for the ones in your life that you consider in your inner circle. The ones you can bear your soul to. Because those are rare individuals and rare friendships.

I feel things changing around me, and I think its now that I need to be consciously thankful of who I have in my life because I don't know how long each of them will be there.

Lastly, tonight I thought about support & encouragement. If you have someone that is always your cheerleader and support, thank them. Switch roles and support them in something. Appreciate them.

People can suck sometimes. They disappoint us. They make mistakes they can't take back. They turn on us. BUT most of all, the good ones, love us in the end. We all have faults. You can't heal the brokenness with more hate.

finished

fin·ished/ˈfiniSHt/

Adjective:

(of an action, activity, or piece of work) Having been completed or ended. (of a person) Having completed or ended an action or activity: "they'll be finished here in an hour".

I'm done with the semester.

This has been the most challenging semester yet both academically and emotionally. I've grown leaps and bounds. I've learned in the classroom and out. I've found out who I am. For now. I'm confident in the woman God created me to be. I know that His plan is steady & sure. I know He carries me.

I have my insecurities, my unsure-ities, and my failures. I have my failed expectations, and my mistakes. But God loves me despite them. He heals them & makes up for them.

This semester, I took an immunology course (the study of the immune system). In it, I learned all about how the body fights against infection and pathogens. How these minute cells keep our bodies from being overtaken by invaders. How insanely awesome is just that fact alone?!?! God designed those CELLS. How much more did he design US?

My favorite are the helper T cells (CD4+ T cells) because they do just that: They "help" other cells do their jobs. They don't get the credit for killing the pathogen but without them, killing wouldn't occur. They're the behind the scenes key players. They don't want the glory or the fame; they just want to help.

I'm like a T helper cell. I just want to help, but in helping sometimes I have to

sacrifice myself.

Now that I'm done with school for a little while, I'm going to take myself back for a while. I need to be refilled by my Creator and Maker. I need to be reminded of His love for me, His plan for me, and His purpose.

To Him be the Glory.

In this time of Christmas, I am reminded that I am not enough. Nothing that I do will ever be enough and in no way can I earn place to be enough. However, there is this amazing man, depicted throughout the Bible, who was born a man and was willing to die - to be enough - for my sins.

I read John 20 last night, about the death & resurrection of Christ. It never ceases to amaze me. It seems so simply, clear cut, and easy to comprehend but really its profound! This man - the SON of GOD - chose to come & DIE for me.

Why? So I would be seen as enough.

Because Christ died for me, I am covered in the Book of Life. I am enough because God sees Jesus' death in place of my own.

Single-handedly, I will never be enough. I will fail every time. I'm human, I let people down, I screw up, I say things I shouldn't, I make mistakes. But with Christ, I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I am never alone in my suffering, troubles, tribulations, rejoicing, or praising.

Christ is in me.

Thanksgiving

Be thankful, thankful for the good, fun, friends, family, and many blessings of life as well as the bad, ugly, disappointing, messy parts of life. Because what was once ugly is now beautiful, what was once a closed door is now opened, and what was once messy has been cleaned. That's the beauty of this sinful world, there's a Savior who came and died in order that we dont have to. We have been redeemed, therefore, our life here on Earth may have pitfalls and troubles, but we are promised eternity in Heaven.

Have a beautiful Thanksgiving everyone!

God bless!