Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Life is a constant roller coaster. One minute you are on the up hill slope, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, just chugging through in hopes that the ground will level out at some point in the near future so you can catch your breath. Other times, we are coasting downhill on the rush of energy, joy, and exhilaration of things going smoothly. Gravity is doing all the work, and we are just simple on lookers, enjoying the ride. At the end of the ride, we come to a jolting halt that is surprising, shocking, and abrupt. The look on our faces is joyful, smiling because you no longer remember the fear of the ride; the intense happiness and excitement trump all. This is life. Ups and downs, fear and joy, love and despair. 

I have been riding all sections of the roller coaster lately. Spiritually and emotionally I have been up and down and all around. You know those twisty rides that are so fun, yet so nauseating? Thats how my life feels right now. My stomach is in knots constantly, scared of what might happen next. But, at the end of the day, I'm smiling on the outside because its fun to live in the moment and not know what to expect. 

God's taught me a lot recently about seasons of life, the different parts of the roller coaster, or ride, or whatever metaphor you want to use. I've been convicted of the parts of life I haven't given Him control over, the things that I think I can do myself. I find myself saying, "Daddy, I got this!" all the time lately, when in reality - giving Him control would make the whole experience more enjoyable, more fruitful, and definitely more glorifying to Him. Just like a roller coaster ride though, if you do not trust the engineer (God) then how can you enjoy the ride? You trust by getting on a ride that the person who made it, made it safe and enjoyable to ride when you follow the rules. I haven't been following the rules of the ride lately. My hands and feet have not been inside the vehicle and at times my seat belt has been unbuckled. Dangerously, coasting in my relationship with the Lord and therefore my life. 

Three weeks ago, I had a "God moment" at church. I had been struggling with why God brought me back to Birmingham. Why did God take me away from the home I had found? the family and support I had? Why wasn't I going to medical school straight out of undergrad? I had tried so hard, put in so many study hours to undergrad work and into studying for the MCAT, yet none of it was paying off in the way I thought I had invested it. But three weeks ago, God whispered into my ear a piece of truth and insight into His plan for what I see as a mess. He said, "my child, my beloved, you are here for this: to prepare yourself and strengthen your relationship with me to go out and do my work, to share the gospel through your passions. Be patient, I'm at work." 

I felt at peace and content with my place here - I had a purpose and that made things easier to understand. The exhaustion, the long hours working and studying will eventually be used for something much much bigger. Then, I got discouraged - again - because I'm human, and selfish and impatient. But, God is good and perfect and He knows I struggle. So, He gave me a small group of women who share their struggles every week and what God is teaching them. Last night, the recurring them was that God uses these times of uncertainty and seemingly "uselessness" to enable us to enjoy the good stuff more, to notice Him and acknowledge His blessings. Another friend pushed me to know that the best is always last. All phases of life are going to be better than the last in some way, shape, form, or fashion simply as a rule of life. We learn things, we pick up nuggets of truth and wisdom that we then carry on into the next phase to make it just a smidgen better than the last. 

God really affirmed this through the third encounter of this truth talking to my best friend on the phone for an hour - in tears for over half of it. God has taught me so much through this friendship that is more like a sisterhood. God constantly uses the companionship we have to push both of us to be better, to love Him more, to trust Him, and to glorify Him. I see Christ in her and I hope she can see Christ through me. Christ gives self sacrificial love as a constant outpouring. She reminded me of this last night, and of the grace and mercy that Christ gives without us even asking. He has a never ending love that never fails, for wretched humans that in no way deserve a single ounce of it. HALLELUJAH. The past 5 years, God has moved mountains in our lives, and I'm thankful to have someone alongside that can help me see when He's doing His work - yet again. I might be wandering, unsure of the path ahead. I might be in knots over what the outcome might be - and I might even lose my cookies every now and then from the fear, anxiety, and worry of the ride. The NP that works with me said it best yesterday, "I worry sometimes, but when that feeling comes over me, I know who to take it to, and everything is alright." That is the faith and trust we have in the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He can do ANYTHING and He lives in me and you. 

Trust God with something small today, work up to giving Him the big things, and then give Him everything. Having no control over the outcome of your life, is the best way to live because we are but a vapor in the wind - God is the everlasting and no matter what this momentary life gives you, our eternity is sealed. hallelujah, amazing grace. 


 ^"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Renew your mind day by day

Lately, the theme of my life has been "busy." I've worked 40+ hour weeks for the past 4 months at a job I absolutely love with wonderful, beautiful, kind people. And work has pretty much been the only thing making this transition after college somewhat tolerable. I have talked with countless friends experiencing the same things. We've moved home or to a new place with new people, new addresses, new climates. August rolls around and instead of experiencing move in day and reunions with friends, we're experiencing loss and monotony of the lives we've lived since graduation. Yes, some of us started graduate or pre-professional school, and with that came new faces, classrooms, and schedules. Yet, there was something very different about that new beginning. Not quite as exciting, a little more daunting, and extremely foreign when you have no idea what parking lot you are allowed to use, you know no one in your entire school, and you're commuting an hour to class.

Newness.

I have to say I am incredibly thankful to have graduated this past May. I was outgrowing my surroundings and needing to be "replanted," if you will. However, the past 4 months have been the hardest of my life. There have been times I cried every day, multiple times even, just because of the unknown, the uncertainty, and the responsibility of growing up. Its no longer my only duty to go to an 8 am class. I wake up, take out the dog, go to work, go to class, go to small group, email people, do homework, and sometimes I find time to eat. Plus, I don't really know where I want to go in life. I don't know what career I want to end up in. I absolutely love what I do now and school, but I can't do those forever. So trusting the Lord's guidance has become a daily rededication in my life.

I stumbled onto a John Piper sermon the other morning and I have listened to it almost every morning since then on my way to work or school. He discusses the need and urgency to renew your mind every day. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) If we don't do this, then the little things in life, the one bad thing that happened today, the "insert-something-going-wrong-here," will overcome our minds and take over. That is when we feel helpless, hopeless, and downtrodden. God doesn't want that! God only gives out love.

There have been several things throughout the past few months that I have struggled with and been overwhelmed by, I have to admit. Thankfully, I have friends (near and far) who remind me that to dwell on the 1 bad thing amidst the many other blessings is only defeating yourself. Refocus your mind on Christ. Retune your heart to Gods love, grace, and mercy. Put TRUST in God, because faith stems from love which stems from trust.

I miss my college home every day. Something or someone will remind me of it and I get sad or nostalgic. But I am so glad that I have been replanted so that I may grow in whatever way God has planned for me. And I look forward to this years journey.

68 days ago

68 days ago.
that's the time stamp on the note I just came across on my iPhone. It's a list of notes I took at a seminar during the second week of this semester, 68 days ago. That seems like such a long time ago, so many things have happened - so much life has been lived. It was the beginning of my last semester and now I'm 45 days away from graduation day.

The seminar was about the importance of being vulnerable in context of the upcoming semester and living it to the fullest. At the time, I did not want to attend this seminar. It was something that was mandatory and very much a "check mark" activity. I wanted to get in & get out. But, once I sat down, settled in, and the speaker began, my attention was all hers. She's an amazing speaker at our University. A highly respected faculty member, who is not but 10 years older than us at most, and probably with more energy and stamina than we all have put together. Her mind is sharp and she is always pushing us to be better versions of ourselves. This was one of those "push" talks.

I will own up to the fact that I am NOT a vulnerable person, 99% of the time. I do enjoy the occasional brief moment of letting down my guard, but most of the time I am like Fort Knox. I'm not the "goth-hide-in-her-room-and-listen-to-heavy-metal" type of Fort Knox, nor the hermit one either. I am the type who pretends to be vulnerable. Yeah, I'll openly tell you "My parents are divorced." "I'm a Christian." "I don't think this is right." yada yada yada, but I won't just let anyone into my heart. Trust is kind of an issue with me too - same story, different players. I've never had truly real friends, until college, and because of the really crappy ones I had before, I don't know how to treat the golden ones I have now. Once you're pooped on by a bird once, you just kind of stray away from getting close to birds, even if you do enjoy looking at them from afar. (I really don't know if that analogy made sense, so moving on)...

The title of the speech was "The story I'm making up in my head is..."
Immediately, I screamed (internally of course) - "WHAT?!?! Thats a thing?! People other than me do that?!"
And then she went into how to use this strategically instead of poorly - she said "Telling people this from the get go, allows people to understand where you are coming from and what is really going on with you. People have other things going on in their lives and cannot just read your mind about what is going on with you."

I've done this all my life. I've made up stories about what people meant by "that look she gave me in the grocery store," or "how she said she couldn't hang out." "It really meant you're ugly," or "It really meant that she had better plans than hanging out with you." These LIES that our mind so readily feeds us. She said, "When you don't tell people about the scripts you have in your head or what is going on, it just fuels disconnection and discontentment."

I had never truly defined vulnerability. She said that vulnerability is not a weakness; it is "who has earned the right to hear your story?" who has earned the right to know me? 
Woah... that's a humbling definition. Who has earned the right to know me/to hear my story? My mind for so long has been telling me, "No one wants to hear your story. Shut up. You don't matter. Other people's opinions and feelings are more important. Just stop being you; become them."
I like her view better - but why didn't I heed it then? It's 68 days later and, I'm back at square one hiding out behind false feelings and words, lies really.

This vulnerability has a caveat, however. It is not an excuse to just let it all hang out 100% of the time, not caring who you hurt or what words you use in doing it. There is a difference between being honest and sharing too much.

Lastly, she says that the best way to combat fear, inadequacy, and shame is worthiness. I never followed through with this, but she suggested making a list of, "I'm never _____ enough." Whatever the lies might be that you are dealing with, just list them out and figure them out so that you can know how to fight them. My list is: I'm never - good, pretty, understood, smart, right, Christian, strong, etc. - enough.
Psalm 139 is a passage that I have known my entire life, but never really looked at deeply. It has so much about your worth in it. Just read God's song of worth to you - "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." - pretty (check). "Even there my hand will guide you." - strength & God's guidance no matter what choice (check). "I am familiar with all of your ways." - God understands me & doesn't think I'm a horrible person (check). and thats just a few verses from one chapter of the Bible - imagine how much more there are?  "My worthiness comes from being a child of God."

I'm not going to let my mind or anyone else rob me of that worthiness.

With that, she challenged us to live wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedness = "The capacity to engage in our lives with authenticity, courage, and compassion and embrace the imperfections of who we really are." - Brené Brown.

Another speaker that day said this, "Don't be OJ. Don't let your last semester make your legacy any less worthy than the first 7."

I've lost a good many of my last 68 days because I was too scared to be vulnerable with the people who I know deep in my heart would be the most receptive and appreciative of my vulnerability. I'm ashamed of my cowardly behavior; I'm humbled by the grace that I've been shown by friends and family alike. They don't have to love me, but somehow, someway, they do. I am incredibly awestruck by the truth in scripture that has been under my nose for such a long time. I feel like, if I let it, then this last semester could ruin the way I look at my college experience and most definitely change the way that people look at me in their experience. I've definitely been an "OJ" for the past 68 days. I've been tainting my legacy that I worked so hard to build over the past 3.5 years - all for what? Because I was scared of telling the truth? Being vulnerable? That's dumb.

Be vulnerable. Be real. Be kind. Know your worth. & Don't be OJ. 

All things

I came into college not long after my favorite woman on Earth went to meet her Father in Heaven. I came to college not knowing who I was but hating who I'd been & how I had let people treat me. I was ready to get out of high school, ready to leave it all behind, ready for a new chapter. When my grandfather first got sick my 8th grade year, mine & my grandparent's anchoring verse was:

 Romans 8:28

"For all things work together for the good of those who love Him."

That's what I had to hold onto- God's promise that it would work out, for His Glory, not mine. Well it did, and it didn't go as I would have planned it. I lost my grandfather that year. And I lost my grandmother not long after. But I continued to cling to that verse, because although I had not gotten my way, it was a promise that in every circumstance there is an ULTIMATE purpose. 

Oh how the wisdom in my little 17 year old self. I had been through the worst right? Wrong. College was around the corner, and over the years it has proven to be the best & the worst years of my life. There has been so much joy, love, happiness, blessing, and fellowship in my 4 years here. But, there has been heartbreak, doubt, uncertainty, and disappointments as well. Somewhere along the way I guess I lost sight of that anchor. I lost sight of the fact that no matter what I am going through or who has hurt me or what test I failed, I have a father that already had that in the plan. WHAT?! He knew I was going to mess up? Yes. He loved me anyway? Yes. In fact, He tells us to go to Him when we mess up. 

Lately, I've doubted a lot and been even more disappointed. I'm a generally happy person. But it being my last year with the people who make me "me" and the place I call home, has really put a damper on my spirit. I don't know where I'm going yet. I'm not achieving my "Mrs." degree. I'm not going on to get the dream job. I'm not traveling overseas to feed hungry orphan children (even though if I was real with you, that would be exactly where I'd want to be!). And I'm not staying here. I'm a nomad, a leaf (as my roommate would call it). I'm floating in the wind and each branch I hit on the way down, I feel a little more let down when it turns out to just be a stop along the way. I don't know when I'll finally hit my destination, but I'll be holding onto the promise of Romans 8:28 until then. It probably won't be soon, but that's ok! 

I look forward to the changes to come, and I can't wait to see the Lord's plan unfold. 

Here's to being a leaf. 

CYB

A good friend taught me a saying about 4 years ago, "Choose Your Battles." Its part of her everyday vocabulary, something she says without thinking that no one around her really knows what that means to her. I sure didn't; I didn't get the significance or the purpose. Did I not get a memo growing up?

Over the years, I've seen this mantra come into full swing. Not only in her life, but I've found it's importance in mine as well. As a Christian, it is important to choose your battles. What are you going to fight the world for and what are you willing to let go. That is what "CYB" means to me - letting go.

It can be letting go of bad thoughts, a frustrating situation, a friend, or just negativity in my life. It can be as simple as choosing to do the dishes for the 11th time and not complaining to my roommates, or choosing to be the one that calls even though I believe I didn't do anything wrong. It's the little things (and the not so little things) that won't matter a year from now, you won't remember them, won't care about them, and surely there are bigger fish to fry.

Recently, a friend asked me what denomination I identify with - "What are you?" they asked. Wow, what a loaded question. When I answered that I'm a non-denominational with a baptist/presbyterian past, they were a little confused. They wanted clarification so they had the ability to place me in a category of beliefs. That's a battle I don't want to fight; it's not worth fighting. If you can see Christ in my life, then does it matter what I believe as far as theology goes? This is at the simplest form - I understand that many so called Christians hold onto many unbiblical beliefs, but they want to sell themselves as Christians.

I believe in a God of mercy and grace, who sent Jesus, his pure & sinless Son to die for the sins of millions of people he would never know on this earth. I believe in a God that wipes every tear, knows every hair on my head, and every thought of my mind. I believe in a God who forgives, but who is the ultimate Judge. I fear this God, I hold Him high & mighty - the one & only righteous God. I believe that I must publicly proclaim my love and my servanthood to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. And lastly, I believe that God has called me as a "little Christ" to live the same life as Jesus - Matthew 28 "Therefore, Go & make disciples of all nations..." I'm just a Christian, sinner saved by the grace of God, trying to live out His plan for me.

And this leads to my ultimate battle. I fight myself. This is a fight worth fighting - a battle I choose. I am a sinner; I have sinful thoughts and actions. The difference between me and a non-believer is that Jesus is in my heart. He fights for me when I am STILL. This means, I have to fight my sinful nature through Jesus. I choose to let go of this world and all of the desires of this world. I don't want the fortune & fame. I want the life of a foot washer / servant / peasant. I want the life of Jesus where recognition doesn't matter & "all the praise goes out to You in everything I do." And I will let God do the rest, all the planning & fighting.

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

Meant to be.

Today in my senior capstone class, we reflected on our years at Belmont. For some, the years were few- transfers from other walks in life. For others, the time spent here has been longer, but the journey the same. What impacted me most about these reflections was the common theme of people being molded into who they are now. It's so true that we are changed by our circumstances. Our situations and our pasts do not define us (thank God), but the lessons we learn from them are hugely influential in our future selves. The stories were incredible. Some brought me to tears; broken lives that were pieced together and shown healing through relationships & experiences that Belmont had opened up for them. Others were unique, people having gone to multiple universities, but never finding their niche. They kept searching until they fit somewhere and that place was here. Amazing. Whether they said it or not, the stories all pointed to something/someone bigger than themselves bringing them here. Some sort of divine or higher power that either they followed or found here in Nashville. Several of my classmates referred to God bringing them to Belmont and providing for them here as what has transformed them into the person they are today.

This one girl really intrigued me with her explanation of her time here. She said that she came to Nashville to get into music, that it was a last ditch effort, something she never had planned for, and that college was not in the plan until she found Belmont. She described herself as a free spirit, creative type and said that academia was just not really her thing. But, she came to school, she started classes, and starting becoming an academic. Then, she said it became hard for her to be creative. In her words, "the distance between my heart and my mind grew larger," meaning that she started to over think things rather than just feel them and follow her heart. I am, for the most part, a very black and white person. I think a lot and make decisions mostly on what my brain tells me to do. I don't want you to think that I'm heartless- because I am by far not a heartless person. No, I simply know that my head will be clearer without feeling and it will make the right decisions based on my beliefs, my morals, and what is best for me. I do feel, though. I feel sadness, excitement, joy, and love. I do make decisions based on those sometimes, but not without thinking the decisions through.

I hadn't thought much more about her statement until later on in the day today, though. It didn't strike me as pertinent and crucial to my life until my entire night just went all sorts of wrong and I ended up exactly the opposite of where I thought I would be. I ended up at church, by myself, at a place I have been to no more than three times before tonight. Absolutely, a strange course of events, if you ask me.

BUT, they went exactly as God intended them to go.
This church service is one specifically for college students. Purely made up of a dark room, electric guitar, open arms, hurting hearts, and joyful noise to the Lord. It's called Sanctuary- and nothing has ever lived up to it's name as much as this place. Man, it was my sanctuary tonight. I stood there singing/screaming out my love for Christ and my need for Him. My heart was singing. I was feeling Him, not thinking about Him or anything for that matter. Just living with God, breathing with God, and praising God for His endless mercy & grace towards me. I was "iffy" about going alone. I've always thought that I wasn't one of those people that likes being alone. But the past week, I've been alone a lot and I've actually really enjoyed it. It's time to just be myself and live and not worry about anything. I get to just enjoy God and be ok. Lately, I haven't been ok. I've been thinking too much and not feeling enough. I've been worried about what I'm going to do next year, where I will end up, how I will get there, etc. and all of that is not anything that I can control. God is the only one in control of that. I can't let my academic brain get in the way of me being able to feel.

Belmont has taught me so much over the past 3+ years. I cannot believe how much I have changed in such a short time. I feel like I came into college as a kid pretending to be a grown up and I am leaving as an actual grown up. I have found myself-- no, no I have caught up to myself-- and I still have much searching to do in the future. For now though, I am content with who I have found & the person I have become. I have found passion, love, and friendship in very unexpected places. And the things I thought I would find quickly ended up not being what I expected.

It's all meant to be. No matter who you are, its the journey that makes you the person you are today.


This is one of my favorite songs that they sang tonight. Enjoy :) 10, 000 Reasons

Have you been in the lion's den yet?? then KEEP GOING.

Recently, I have been legitimately stuck in my life. I've been unable to move forward, constantly pushed down by disappointments and "plan B's." Literally, the past month it has seemed like one thing after another has happened that I did not plan, did not expect, and honestly, did not like at all. Senior year is supposed to be a breeze right? Well, it seems like mine has a mind of its own & it's choosing to fast forward to the real world real quick.

Naturally, I have not been the biggest joy to be around lately - don't say "oh i'm sure you're exaggerating" because people I don't even know have asked me what's wrong with me. That's how bad it has been. I'm not an angry, sad, or negative person but lately I just haven't been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today, though, my attitude turned around for the best. First of all, last night I did my devotional & it was all about waiting on the Lord's timing and His plan and just plain trusting in Him. Hmm.... I haven't been doing much of any of those things lately! Then, I talked to one of my dearest friends this afternoon and she was such a great reminder that the way I look at myself is not how the rest of the world views me. She told me that I have to see myself as God sees me-- "fearfully and wonderfully made." Such a simple little sentence, but the most humbling thing I've ever heard. After that, I went to Kairos with some friends and the message was about trouble in this world and the promises of God. John 16:33 promises us that there will be trouble in this world, but then He says to be courageous because He has overcome the world. How awesome- he already won, he defeated sin, he defeated death, and he defeated all our troubles that we will ever have.

We have eternal & everlasting peace in that and that is awesome.

Isaiah 59:1 says, "surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear."
He hears us & He saves us.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says that we have a great cloud of witnesses around us--- a cheering section basically-- so that when our bodies are telling us to quit the race on the last lap, we can get the courage and the perseverance to continue running!

Imagine Daniel sitting there saying, "Have you been in the lion's den yet?? No?! Well then KEEP RUNNING!"

Nothing that we are going through is trivial, but everything that we are going through has been absolutely 100% overcome by the blood of Christ.

So, Keep running my friends. :)