refreshed.

wow. this weekend was so needed and the sad thing is, i didn't even realize how desperate i was for it! I've been running myself ragged with school, friends, clubs, commitments, work, etc. and i definitely have not been spending enough time being refreshed by God or even just stepping back and taking a breath. This weekend was just the breath i needed. I got to spend some amazing quality time with my mom. Its these times that I treasure so dearly; they are truly special and unforgettable. She is one of my very best friends and I love spending time with her! I got to see two of my best friends from high school if only for a few minutes. Seeing their shining faces and hearing from them was so encouraging. They are such blessings in my life and they constantly build me up. I could not thank God enough for them. I also got to spend time with my grandfather for his 80th birthday, which was really interesting. We aren't very close but he's my grandfather so I love him and love seeing him. He recently found out he has cancer, which is something that I don't quite think i've managed to process yet. It makes times like eating dinner at cracker barrel special and close to my heart. He said something that truly amazed me, he told me that he met my grandmother on Sunday April 11, 1953. Now how in the world he remembers the exact day i have no clue, but he's as sharp as a tack so I trust him. It was so cute! Any way, back to my refreshing weekend. I did nothing productive. I took care of myself; I got my nails done, I went shopping, I slept in, and I watched a lot of Criminal Minds. Most importantly though, I talked life with my mom and it helped it all make sense. God gave me the perfect refreshing, encouraging weekend to finish out this semester. I feel like I've caught a second wind. I found this quote and fell in love so I hope it encourages you too.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

— Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)

"not of this world, but in it"

wow, here lately, things have been busy. Life has happened, and it's happened at warp speed. I just wanted to fill you all in on some things that the Lord has been teaching me lately in so many different areas of my life. You know it's God telling you something important when you see the same theme around every corner.

I've been struggling lately. I've felt tried, tempted, and troubled. I say this in the most general way possible, as in the things of this world have been grabbing hold of me. Have you ever had a moment in which you felt like you wouldn't live through it? You felt crushed from the inside out? or maybe even about to explode? You just knew that what was about to happen would change your world forever, and that with that change you didn't know if you would make it. BUT obviously you made it because you're here. you're reading this. You struggled through it but in the end you survived.

One time, I was about 10 and went to the beach with a friend. I wasn't a very good swimmer, but the friend proceeded on pushing me into the deep end of her pool. I just knew I wasn't going to make it. ha 10 years old and panicking because i couldn't swim, but luckily her mom came in and "saved" me. Well i'm here aren't i? I didn't see it at the time, but I learned something. I learned that I needed to figure out how to swim. i'm sure we've all been in times like these, uncomfortable but beneficial. These are physical occurrences. These are tangible. But what about the intangible? what about the matters of the heart? the spiritual warfare that's going on everyday and we can't even see it.

God's been teaching me lately. He's been showing me and revealing to me that He makes us stronger through these struggles. They're hard. We can't see an end and we think that it will last forever, but guess what? If we trust in Him, He always wins.

Whatever it is that we have on this earth does not matter, not fame, riches, friends, things, or looks. Its who we are in Heaven that matters. Its what we do for our Kingdom. I've been challenged lately to change my life. To redirect it in a way that only leads things towards the righteousness of God. Does this mean that I will always succeed? NO. Indeed, I am human and 95% of the time, I get it wrong. but God's grace says that thats ok. I've already been forgiven freely and don't have to do anything to earn it. I don't have to be perfect. Isn't that awesome?!!!

lately.

this past few weeks have been crazy, hence the lack in writing. :) but you havent missed too much i promise!

When struggling with life, we don't always turn to God for help. In fact, its in our darkest times that we don't go to God at all because we're ashamed or think that we won't get the answer we need in enough time to help us. I'm completely guilty of that. This Sunday the pastor at the church I visited did a sermon on Revelation 3. It was just what I've needed this month. It was about how we should be hot or cold, but not lukewarm because God wants to spit us out when we're lukewarm. He compared it to being nauseous and wanting to throw up but holding it in. How gross does that feel? How much better would it be to just let it out? But instead, you hold it in. I know that's absolutely disgusting but its so true! The beauty of this passage is that In the last verses it says that God loves us so much that He wants to hold us in. His grace is sufficient and unending. His love is unconditional. In dealing with life lately, I've struggled to stay true to myself and take care of me. So today I've come up with some new words to live by that i believe will apply to a lot of you.

"I accept the things that I cannot undo. I am not a super hero and am only human so I will no doubt fail. I am not responsible for the actions of others but only responsible for showing them unconditionally and showing them the love of Christ. I will fail time after time but what matters is that I try my best even when I fall down."

Don't ever get down on yourself. Know that all of your efforts are seen by the people around you and that little things matter even when you think they don't. There is a reason for everything you do.

I love you.

Stronger.

"When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ..."

-Stronger by Mandisa

A friend of mine from my lifegroup shared this song with me the other day and it has totally been speaking to me. God has me EXACTLY where He wants me to be. His plan is unfolding, He doesn't need to show me His plan, I'm already IN His plan. With all of the pain that life throws at you, with all of the junk that comes everyday, God is making me stronger. He is building me up and using it for His glory. Anything that I go through, it is to get me closer to God, rely more on Him and become independent of other people (1 Thessalonians 4:10). Life's rough sometimes but the beautiful part is that God put us all here to go through it together. with Him.

weekend wonders

so this weekend i was not looking forward to being somewhat alone. well, they say if you want to make God laugh, make plans. I think God probably chuckled a little at me :) I love to plan. I wouldn't go as far as say I want to control everything but I do like order and having a general idea of what's going to happen. This is really hard to deal with--i mean REALLY hard. Because you know, life is life. it happens. It happens fast and it'll throw ya curve balls all the time. I personally hate those times when I'm in them but when I look back, it turns out that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It turned out just the way I wanted it to or better than I had hoped. God has a really funny way of showing us His plan. His timing is perfect- another hard thing to comprehend when you're 20, in college, thinking you're all grown up and can do what ever you want whenever you want. The world makes us think that all the great things in life are instantaneous, but guess what? those things are crap. Those things are the things that fade away. All the money, riches, fortune, fame, popularity, clothes, appearance, etc- it all goes away as quick as it comes. God tells us to store our riches in heaven. I never really knew what that meant and I cant exactly say what I think it means now, but so far I think it means that we need to focus on the long term- like eternal life- not just the immediate. Focus on what can I do to glorify God, not what can God give me or do for me to make my day better. In the end its not the years that make the life but the life in the years. A good friend told me to live for today and live with no regrets. For me that means, don't worry about what tomorrow will bring, and make the decisions that you feel are right (not stupidly of course) but that you won't regret tomorrow. If you go down the wrong path, God will get you where you need to go. Just trust in Him.

goodnight loves.

its been a good weekend.

sweet love

Back to school. Back to the grind. Back to reality.

Being back at school has really been a roller coaster of emotions. On one hand, I am so so so happy to be back and reunited with all of my friends-or my school family. On the other hand, I was not ready to deal with life when I got back. And thats a problem seeing that being at school, where I'm preparing for my future career and plans, is ALL about life. Such a strange world we live in. I've been thinking a lot lately--shocker, I know--about my 20 years of life. What have they been filled with? What have I gotten out of them? Who have I served with them? The list could go on and on.

The answers to these questions have not been easy pills to swallow, nor have they been clear. I'm a sophomore in college and I don't really know what I want to do with my life, much less what God wants me to do with it. I know that ultimately He has a grand plan, but right now what am I supposed to do?

A verse popped into my mind tonight when I was at church with a friend. I read this verse last semester on a retreat and it had been in my mind for a while after. But as we all know, things happen, we get busy and things cloud our minds.

The verse is Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

What does that even mean? I can never truly be still, my heart will always be beating (for as long as I live), my mind will be thinking, my ears will be hearing, all of these involuntary actions we do everyday. But no, to be STILL and KNOW that He is God is to stop. Stop planning. Stop worrying. Just be. Just sit and think about the God of the universe. He is in control. It is Him we are here to glorify and it is Him that we are here to worship and tell everyone about. So when life gets me down, when it becomes too much, I can remember this verse. I can remember Gods power, His love, His gentleness, as well as His purpose for me. Putting that into perspective will enable me to let everything go, and not just the things that I can't control, but the things I can. All of my life, I give to you Lord.

LIfe Lately

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis

So, over the past few weeks I've been on Christmas break and joyously been spending time at home. I absolutely love being home. There's something about this city, this house, these people, that make me feel safe, secure, and content. But the thing is, after a while, I get restless. I struggle with being TOO content, too secure, and too safe- and not in a godly way- in a selfish way. Every individual searches for adventure and I feel like college is my adventure. And don't take that the wrong way either. When i say adventure, I mean like my uncharted territory and a place for me to find myself through people and being on my own.

Well back to why I love these quotes, I found them tonight online and I just fell in love with this man's wisdom. C.S. Lewis is someone that we've all heard of and that literature admires. He is one of the only godly authors greatly recognized in the secular world. His works have multiple aspects to them. They have surface meaning and deeper meaning. These quotes are beautifully poetic. They capture the meaning of life as a whole. Life is more than just living. Its about WHO you are living for and WHAT you learn through that life. To answer who I'm living for- I'd say, God and others- I want to do my best for Him and serve others. What I've learned- hm that list is WAY too long. But I tend to learn not only from my mistakes and life experiences but from others as well. Life lessons are valuable ones.

Lately, I've really honed in on the phrase that God places people in your life at specific times for specific purposes. Its something thats hard to keep telling myself but its reassuring at the same time. His plan is greater than anything I could ever dream of.