a remarkable birth for an unremarkable people

(After reflecting on a long drive tonight, I tied together some things I've been thinking about the last week or so….. )

Tonight, as most of the world knows, is Christmas Eve. It is not a holiday celebrated by all, nor acknowledge in all countries. It is not a uniform tradition even across families in the same neighborhood. Every individual ethnic group, people, family, or unit of some sort holds their own traditions and customs for the Christmas season, whether it means good food, big parties, elaborate decorations, wrapping, extravagant presents, or simply a nativity service attended and simple meal shared. However, the universal truth is that Christmas Eve represents the night Jesus Christ - the Almighty God, holy and righteous - was born on Earth - fully human. 

John Piper's book "Spectacular Sins" repeatedly points readers to the reality that Christ experienced all things human during his time on Earth. He has experienced the pain, loss, brokenness, hurt, longing, desire, love, passion -- well, you get it, everything. 

But why was it necessary for Jesus to come? Jesus - the Christ, Emmanuel, Mighty God, Prince of Peace, God with us, "Adonai", "Yahweh."

God's only Son

The answer lies in sin. 

Our sin to be exact. 

You see, we aren't anywhere near perfect - and I think 99% of us would willingly admit to that. We're flawed. But this is not a condition of creation. No, when God created Adam and Eve they were perfect and in constant communion with Christ. However, they, like all of us, strayed from God's will. Satan - the fallen arch angel - tempted them to disobey the Lord & *poof* just like that, sin entered the world. 

But God knew all along that this would happen. He knew that Satan would rebel. He knew that Adam & Eve would disobey. Yet, He still created them & (seemingly) let it all happen. 

Why? 

Because all of it will ultimately display the splendor and majesty and glory of the One True God. All suffering, all sin, all hardship in the lives of Believers will exemplify the glory of God (regardless of them seeing that purpose while on Earth or not - sometimes suffering even means death). God promises though that the Christian who dies on Earth for His name will have no hair on their head misplaced in Heaven. (a.k.a. eternal life - no tears, no sorrow, constant communion with God) 

WOW. 

What does this mean for Christmas? 

Well, it means that today we thank God for the gift He sent to Heaven in sacrifice for us.

It means we praise Jesus for His willingness to come to Earth and obey God to an extent no other human being (David, Solomon, Abraham, etc.) had before.

And this is the reason we celebrate - because Christ lived, died, and rose again we may live. 

Hallelujah. 

Jesus Christ has overcome sin. He is the Almighty God. He has power over all the Earth, and with a single breath can command storms to cease. 

The precious baby that came more than 2000 years ago has saved me from the punishment I deserve. 

Tonight, I encourage you to listen to this song (this version just happens to have one of my best friends singing) and remember that Christ has redeemed you, reconciled & forgiven your sin - past, present, and future. He loves you with an everlasting love. Glorify Him with every breath, for the things of this world are momentary, but the things of the Spirit are eternal.

blessed. 

Merry Christmas

Oh, holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees

Oh, hear the Angel voices

Oh, night divine, oh, night

When Christ was born

Oh, night divine, oh, night

Oh, night divine

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother

And in His name all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us praise His holy name

Christ is the Lord, let ever, ever praise Thee

Noel, Noel

Oh, night, oh, night divine

Noel, Noel

Oh, night, oh, night divine

Noel, Noel

Oh, night, oh, night divine

Identity Crisis

Lately, I've looked like this. A lot. 

Unfortunately not for the same reasons - these were "I-want-to-stay-here-forever" tears. 

No, this week has been "Are-you-kidding-me-I-cant-believe-this-is-happening" tears.

But, it doesn't matter the cause of them, their healing is solely completed in Christ's perfect love. 

The knowledge that He is sovereign, and His plan is absolutely flawless. 

Almost 2 years ago, when this photo was taken, I was in Costa Rica. This is the country that God chose to develop my sense of purpose, realize my passion for people, and cultivate a life a service. Now, my life goals pretty much completely changed, and my heart softened and attuned to His desires, I am pursuing global health, public health, and how this all fits in sharing the gospel. 

Inevitably though, somewhere along the way, I always get comfortable. Either I'm comfortable in my location and surroundings, friend group, home, or my faith (the most dangerous of all). 

This is where I've been - Comfortable. 

Although, its not the comfortable you think of, you know "snuggled in bed with a good book by the fire." 

No. Its the "I'm invincible, nothing can get in my way, I don't need anyone for anything" kind.

The dangerous kind. 

Often as Christians, we think that it's ok to be comfortable - but this is such a bold faced lie. 

We've been going through 1 & 2 Corinthians at church, and Paul is one of the best examples of this. He lives such a truly Christ-like, servant life, yet he suffers many hardships. He is persecuted, unappreciated, alone (single), and has a "thorn" God will not remove. One of the most obedient men in the Bible and he suffers. In fact, 2 Corinthians 4 is about that suffering. 

It is a guarantee.

There are many other examples in the Bible - Job, Ruth, Abraham - all suffered. 

So, this week as I've suffered with things such as grades, relationships, and loneliness, God has pointed me to these people. My pastor said it best on Sunday - "Your identity is not found in relationship status, employment, achievements, performance, job title, salary, the world. You are defined by Christ, as a Christian." 

Hallelujah. 

Tonight - I rejoice in my identity as a daughter of the true King. 

2 Corinthians 4:13-19

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[b] Since we have that same spirit of[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak,14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 34:17-18

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles. 
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Complete in Christ.

I, like many women out there, struggle with being known, with being loved, with being wanted. The world teaches us that we aren't complete unless we belong to someone else, unless we're in a relationship, unless we're independent business women or doctors or lawyers that don't need a man, or unless we're mothers. I'm none of those things. I'm single, a graduate student, and completely complete in who I am in Christ.

So, when you struggle with being known, walk confidently in the fact that God created you, He knows you, He wants you, and He loves you more than anyone on this earth ever could. He has a purpose for you and created you for such a time as this. Strive to be His obedient daughter, and He will provide.


Proverbs 31

The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him:

2 What are you doing, my son?[a] What are you doing, son of my womb?
    What are you doing, son of my vows?
3 Do not give your strength to women,
    your ways to those who destroy kings.
4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel,
    it is not for kings to drink wine,
    or for rulers to take strong drink,
5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed
    and pervert the rights of all the afflicted.
6 Give strong drink to the one who is perishing,
    and wine to those in bitter distress;[b]
7 let them drink and forget their poverty
    and remember their misery no more.
8 Open your mouth for the mute,
    for the rights of all who are destitute.[c]
9 Open your mouth, judge righteously,
    defend the rights of the poor and needy.

The Woman Who Fears the Lord

^10 [d] An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She dresses herself^[e] with strength
    and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet.^[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates
    when he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
    she delivers sashes to the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the gates.

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Life is a constant roller coaster. One minute you are on the up hill slope, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, just chugging through in hopes that the ground will level out at some point in the near future so you can catch your breath. Other times, we are coasting downhill on the rush of energy, joy, and exhilaration of things going smoothly. Gravity is doing all the work, and we are just simple on lookers, enjoying the ride. At the end of the ride, we come to a jolting halt that is surprising, shocking, and abrupt. The look on our faces is joyful, smiling because you no longer remember the fear of the ride; the intense happiness and excitement trump all. This is life. Ups and downs, fear and joy, love and despair. 

I have been riding all sections of the roller coaster lately. Spiritually and emotionally I have been up and down and all around. You know those twisty rides that are so fun, yet so nauseating? Thats how my life feels right now. My stomach is in knots constantly, scared of what might happen next. But, at the end of the day, I'm smiling on the outside because its fun to live in the moment and not know what to expect. 

God's taught me a lot recently about seasons of life, the different parts of the roller coaster, or ride, or whatever metaphor you want to use. I've been convicted of the parts of life I haven't given Him control over, the things that I think I can do myself. I find myself saying, "Daddy, I got this!" all the time lately, when in reality - giving Him control would make the whole experience more enjoyable, more fruitful, and definitely more glorifying to Him. Just like a roller coaster ride though, if you do not trust the engineer (God) then how can you enjoy the ride? You trust by getting on a ride that the person who made it, made it safe and enjoyable to ride when you follow the rules. I haven't been following the rules of the ride lately. My hands and feet have not been inside the vehicle and at times my seat belt has been unbuckled. Dangerously, coasting in my relationship with the Lord and therefore my life. 

Three weeks ago, I had a "God moment" at church. I had been struggling with why God brought me back to Birmingham. Why did God take me away from the home I had found? the family and support I had? Why wasn't I going to medical school straight out of undergrad? I had tried so hard, put in so many study hours to undergrad work and into studying for the MCAT, yet none of it was paying off in the way I thought I had invested it. But three weeks ago, God whispered into my ear a piece of truth and insight into His plan for what I see as a mess. He said, "my child, my beloved, you are here for this: to prepare yourself and strengthen your relationship with me to go out and do my work, to share the gospel through your passions. Be patient, I'm at work." 

I felt at peace and content with my place here - I had a purpose and that made things easier to understand. The exhaustion, the long hours working and studying will eventually be used for something much much bigger. Then, I got discouraged - again - because I'm human, and selfish and impatient. But, God is good and perfect and He knows I struggle. So, He gave me a small group of women who share their struggles every week and what God is teaching them. Last night, the recurring them was that God uses these times of uncertainty and seemingly "uselessness" to enable us to enjoy the good stuff more, to notice Him and acknowledge His blessings. Another friend pushed me to know that the best is always last. All phases of life are going to be better than the last in some way, shape, form, or fashion simply as a rule of life. We learn things, we pick up nuggets of truth and wisdom that we then carry on into the next phase to make it just a smidgen better than the last. 

God really affirmed this through the third encounter of this truth talking to my best friend on the phone for an hour - in tears for over half of it. God has taught me so much through this friendship that is more like a sisterhood. God constantly uses the companionship we have to push both of us to be better, to love Him more, to trust Him, and to glorify Him. I see Christ in her and I hope she can see Christ through me. Christ gives self sacrificial love as a constant outpouring. She reminded me of this last night, and of the grace and mercy that Christ gives without us even asking. He has a never ending love that never fails, for wretched humans that in no way deserve a single ounce of it. HALLELUJAH. The past 5 years, God has moved mountains in our lives, and I'm thankful to have someone alongside that can help me see when He's doing His work - yet again. I might be wandering, unsure of the path ahead. I might be in knots over what the outcome might be - and I might even lose my cookies every now and then from the fear, anxiety, and worry of the ride. The NP that works with me said it best yesterday, "I worry sometimes, but when that feeling comes over me, I know who to take it to, and everything is alright." That is the faith and trust we have in the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He can do ANYTHING and He lives in me and you. 

Trust God with something small today, work up to giving Him the big things, and then give Him everything. Having no control over the outcome of your life, is the best way to live because we are but a vapor in the wind - God is the everlasting and no matter what this momentary life gives you, our eternity is sealed. hallelujah, amazing grace. 


 ^"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Renew your mind day by day

Lately, the theme of my life has been "busy." I've worked 40+ hour weeks for the past 4 months at a job I absolutely love with wonderful, beautiful, kind people. And work has pretty much been the only thing making this transition after college somewhat tolerable. I have talked with countless friends experiencing the same things. We've moved home or to a new place with new people, new addresses, new climates. August rolls around and instead of experiencing move in day and reunions with friends, we're experiencing loss and monotony of the lives we've lived since graduation. Yes, some of us started graduate or pre-professional school, and with that came new faces, classrooms, and schedules. Yet, there was something very different about that new beginning. Not quite as exciting, a little more daunting, and extremely foreign when you have no idea what parking lot you are allowed to use, you know no one in your entire school, and you're commuting an hour to class.

Newness.

I have to say I am incredibly thankful to have graduated this past May. I was outgrowing my surroundings and needing to be "replanted," if you will. However, the past 4 months have been the hardest of my life. There have been times I cried every day, multiple times even, just because of the unknown, the uncertainty, and the responsibility of growing up. Its no longer my only duty to go to an 8 am class. I wake up, take out the dog, go to work, go to class, go to small group, email people, do homework, and sometimes I find time to eat. Plus, I don't really know where I want to go in life. I don't know what career I want to end up in. I absolutely love what I do now and school, but I can't do those forever. So trusting the Lord's guidance has become a daily rededication in my life.

I stumbled onto a John Piper sermon the other morning and I have listened to it almost every morning since then on my way to work or school. He discusses the need and urgency to renew your mind every day. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) If we don't do this, then the little things in life, the one bad thing that happened today, the "insert-something-going-wrong-here," will overcome our minds and take over. That is when we feel helpless, hopeless, and downtrodden. God doesn't want that! God only gives out love.

There have been several things throughout the past few months that I have struggled with and been overwhelmed by, I have to admit. Thankfully, I have friends (near and far) who remind me that to dwell on the 1 bad thing amidst the many other blessings is only defeating yourself. Refocus your mind on Christ. Retune your heart to Gods love, grace, and mercy. Put TRUST in God, because faith stems from love which stems from trust.

I miss my college home every day. Something or someone will remind me of it and I get sad or nostalgic. But I am so glad that I have been replanted so that I may grow in whatever way God has planned for me. And I look forward to this years journey.

68 days ago

68 days ago.
that's the time stamp on the note I just came across on my iPhone. It's a list of notes I took at a seminar during the second week of this semester, 68 days ago. That seems like such a long time ago, so many things have happened - so much life has been lived. It was the beginning of my last semester and now I'm 45 days away from graduation day.

The seminar was about the importance of being vulnerable in context of the upcoming semester and living it to the fullest. At the time, I did not want to attend this seminar. It was something that was mandatory and very much a "check mark" activity. I wanted to get in & get out. But, once I sat down, settled in, and the speaker began, my attention was all hers. She's an amazing speaker at our University. A highly respected faculty member, who is not but 10 years older than us at most, and probably with more energy and stamina than we all have put together. Her mind is sharp and she is always pushing us to be better versions of ourselves. This was one of those "push" talks.

I will own up to the fact that I am NOT a vulnerable person, 99% of the time. I do enjoy the occasional brief moment of letting down my guard, but most of the time I am like Fort Knox. I'm not the "goth-hide-in-her-room-and-listen-to-heavy-metal" type of Fort Knox, nor the hermit one either. I am the type who pretends to be vulnerable. Yeah, I'll openly tell you "My parents are divorced." "I'm a Christian." "I don't think this is right." yada yada yada, but I won't just let anyone into my heart. Trust is kind of an issue with me too - same story, different players. I've never had truly real friends, until college, and because of the really crappy ones I had before, I don't know how to treat the golden ones I have now. Once you're pooped on by a bird once, you just kind of stray away from getting close to birds, even if you do enjoy looking at them from afar. (I really don't know if that analogy made sense, so moving on)...

The title of the speech was "The story I'm making up in my head is..."
Immediately, I screamed (internally of course) - "WHAT?!?! Thats a thing?! People other than me do that?!"
And then she went into how to use this strategically instead of poorly - she said "Telling people this from the get go, allows people to understand where you are coming from and what is really going on with you. People have other things going on in their lives and cannot just read your mind about what is going on with you."

I've done this all my life. I've made up stories about what people meant by "that look she gave me in the grocery store," or "how she said she couldn't hang out." "It really meant you're ugly," or "It really meant that she had better plans than hanging out with you." These LIES that our mind so readily feeds us. She said, "When you don't tell people about the scripts you have in your head or what is going on, it just fuels disconnection and discontentment."

I had never truly defined vulnerability. She said that vulnerability is not a weakness; it is "who has earned the right to hear your story?" who has earned the right to know me? 
Woah... that's a humbling definition. Who has earned the right to know me/to hear my story? My mind for so long has been telling me, "No one wants to hear your story. Shut up. You don't matter. Other people's opinions and feelings are more important. Just stop being you; become them."
I like her view better - but why didn't I heed it then? It's 68 days later and, I'm back at square one hiding out behind false feelings and words, lies really.

This vulnerability has a caveat, however. It is not an excuse to just let it all hang out 100% of the time, not caring who you hurt or what words you use in doing it. There is a difference between being honest and sharing too much.

Lastly, she says that the best way to combat fear, inadequacy, and shame is worthiness. I never followed through with this, but she suggested making a list of, "I'm never _____ enough." Whatever the lies might be that you are dealing with, just list them out and figure them out so that you can know how to fight them. My list is: I'm never - good, pretty, understood, smart, right, Christian, strong, etc. - enough.
Psalm 139 is a passage that I have known my entire life, but never really looked at deeply. It has so much about your worth in it. Just read God's song of worth to you - "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." - pretty (check). "Even there my hand will guide you." - strength & God's guidance no matter what choice (check). "I am familiar with all of your ways." - God understands me & doesn't think I'm a horrible person (check). and thats just a few verses from one chapter of the Bible - imagine how much more there are?  "My worthiness comes from being a child of God."

I'm not going to let my mind or anyone else rob me of that worthiness.

With that, she challenged us to live wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedness = "The capacity to engage in our lives with authenticity, courage, and compassion and embrace the imperfections of who we really are." - Brené Brown.

Another speaker that day said this, "Don't be OJ. Don't let your last semester make your legacy any less worthy than the first 7."

I've lost a good many of my last 68 days because I was too scared to be vulnerable with the people who I know deep in my heart would be the most receptive and appreciative of my vulnerability. I'm ashamed of my cowardly behavior; I'm humbled by the grace that I've been shown by friends and family alike. They don't have to love me, but somehow, someway, they do. I am incredibly awestruck by the truth in scripture that has been under my nose for such a long time. I feel like, if I let it, then this last semester could ruin the way I look at my college experience and most definitely change the way that people look at me in their experience. I've definitely been an "OJ" for the past 68 days. I've been tainting my legacy that I worked so hard to build over the past 3.5 years - all for what? Because I was scared of telling the truth? Being vulnerable? That's dumb.

Be vulnerable. Be real. Be kind. Know your worth. & Don't be OJ.