All things

I came into college not long after my favorite woman on Earth went to meet her Father in Heaven. I came to college not knowing who I was but hating who I'd been & how I had let people treat me. I was ready to get out of high school, ready to leave it all behind, ready for a new chapter. When my grandfather first got sick my 8th grade year, mine & my grandparent's anchoring verse was:

 Romans 8:28

"For all things work together for the good of those who love Him."

That's what I had to hold onto- God's promise that it would work out, for His Glory, not mine. Well it did, and it didn't go as I would have planned it. I lost my grandfather that year. And I lost my grandmother not long after. But I continued to cling to that verse, because although I had not gotten my way, it was a promise that in every circumstance there is an ULTIMATE purpose. 

Oh how the wisdom in my little 17 year old self. I had been through the worst right? Wrong. College was around the corner, and over the years it has proven to be the best & the worst years of my life. There has been so much joy, love, happiness, blessing, and fellowship in my 4 years here. But, there has been heartbreak, doubt, uncertainty, and disappointments as well. Somewhere along the way I guess I lost sight of that anchor. I lost sight of the fact that no matter what I am going through or who has hurt me or what test I failed, I have a father that already had that in the plan. WHAT?! He knew I was going to mess up? Yes. He loved me anyway? Yes. In fact, He tells us to go to Him when we mess up. 

Lately, I've doubted a lot and been even more disappointed. I'm a generally happy person. But it being my last year with the people who make me "me" and the place I call home, has really put a damper on my spirit. I don't know where I'm going yet. I'm not achieving my "Mrs." degree. I'm not going on to get the dream job. I'm not traveling overseas to feed hungry orphan children (even though if I was real with you, that would be exactly where I'd want to be!). And I'm not staying here. I'm a nomad, a leaf (as my roommate would call it). I'm floating in the wind and each branch I hit on the way down, I feel a little more let down when it turns out to just be a stop along the way. I don't know when I'll finally hit my destination, but I'll be holding onto the promise of Romans 8:28 until then. It probably won't be soon, but that's ok! 

I look forward to the changes to come, and I can't wait to see the Lord's plan unfold. 

Here's to being a leaf. 

CYB

A good friend taught me a saying about 4 years ago, "Choose Your Battles." Its part of her everyday vocabulary, something she says without thinking that no one around her really knows what that means to her. I sure didn't; I didn't get the significance or the purpose. Did I not get a memo growing up?

Over the years, I've seen this mantra come into full swing. Not only in her life, but I've found it's importance in mine as well. As a Christian, it is important to choose your battles. What are you going to fight the world for and what are you willing to let go. That is what "CYB" means to me - letting go.

It can be letting go of bad thoughts, a frustrating situation, a friend, or just negativity in my life. It can be as simple as choosing to do the dishes for the 11th time and not complaining to my roommates, or choosing to be the one that calls even though I believe I didn't do anything wrong. It's the little things (and the not so little things) that won't matter a year from now, you won't remember them, won't care about them, and surely there are bigger fish to fry.

Recently, a friend asked me what denomination I identify with - "What are you?" they asked. Wow, what a loaded question. When I answered that I'm a non-denominational with a baptist/presbyterian past, they were a little confused. They wanted clarification so they had the ability to place me in a category of beliefs. That's a battle I don't want to fight; it's not worth fighting. If you can see Christ in my life, then does it matter what I believe as far as theology goes? This is at the simplest form - I understand that many so called Christians hold onto many unbiblical beliefs, but they want to sell themselves as Christians.

I believe in a God of mercy and grace, who sent Jesus, his pure & sinless Son to die for the sins of millions of people he would never know on this earth. I believe in a God that wipes every tear, knows every hair on my head, and every thought of my mind. I believe in a God who forgives, but who is the ultimate Judge. I fear this God, I hold Him high & mighty - the one & only righteous God. I believe that I must publicly proclaim my love and my servanthood to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. And lastly, I believe that God has called me as a "little Christ" to live the same life as Jesus - Matthew 28 "Therefore, Go & make disciples of all nations..." I'm just a Christian, sinner saved by the grace of God, trying to live out His plan for me.

And this leads to my ultimate battle. I fight myself. This is a fight worth fighting - a battle I choose. I am a sinner; I have sinful thoughts and actions. The difference between me and a non-believer is that Jesus is in my heart. He fights for me when I am STILL. This means, I have to fight my sinful nature through Jesus. I choose to let go of this world and all of the desires of this world. I don't want the fortune & fame. I want the life of a foot washer / servant / peasant. I want the life of Jesus where recognition doesn't matter & "all the praise goes out to You in everything I do." And I will let God do the rest, all the planning & fighting.

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.