this is me: the real me.

"If we could read the secret histories of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

- Longfellow

"Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear- abandonment."

"over the years we've come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them"

"The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you"

These quotes come from a book I'm reading that a good friend gave to me earlier this year called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. This book is wrecking me- in a good way (i guess). Its tearing down my guard and hitting closer to the vest than I'm normally comfortable with. It's a book about womanhood and being the woman that God has created you to be and how life/childhood has shaped you, and it's caused me to look a lot deeper into my own life.

Warning: This is where I'm going to get real.

I've always been overweight, ever since I was little. I can't remember not having a soda or being told that I couldn't eat something. "no" didn't exist. It became a bigger issue the older that I got. I never really knew why I ate, but looking back it was because food=love. When I ate, I felt loved, accepted, and appreciated. Food can't reject you. I found the love I longed for in relationships with my dad and others in food. Ultimately coming up short because in being overweight I turned away acceptance of others. A vicious cycle I've battled for years.

My parents got divorced when I was around 11. It wasn't a surprise or shock to me, but attending a private school it was not socially kosher. The "special" treatment I got from teachers and other classmates didn't help my fears of fitting in. And the actual divorce left me feeling like no relationships would ever work out. I became very amiable at this point in my life. I wanted to please any and every one, so that maybe, just maybe, some one would appreciate and love me for it. I found that I was never enough for most people. My mom and my grandmother (Gran) were always supportive and reassuring, struggling with the same acceptance and people pleasing issues that I was stumbling into.

This continued throughout high school, and quite possibly worsened. After friend changes and feeling at times unwanted and unneeded, I drowned myself in school work and family. I emotionally distanced myself from "friends" because why would someone want to be friends with me?

It wasn't until the lonely desolate days of my freshman year of college that I figured it out. I felt accepted and loved by people I had only known for a few weeks! I turned to God summer before college and said "I want to be loved for who I am, because You created me and I know that means I am valuable." and thats exactly what happened. I felt valuable. I have friends who love my quirkiness and my annoying mothering of them. I have friends who appreciate my heart and understand the way I get hurt and how my mind operates. I have friends now who are trying to heal the wounds left from my past. God gave me sisters.

Some say that wounds make you who you are; that they shape you and form you. But in Captivating, I'm learning to appreciate a new perspective on brokenness. In the garden of Eden, Eve sinned & all of humanity fell away from God. If this had not happened, we wouldn't feel a lack of intimacy with God or each other. We wouldn't feel inadequate or not enough, and we wouldn't hurt one another. And we wouldn't try to control our lives once bad things happen.

So, starting now, I'm going to tear down my guard, brick by brick, and trust in God that being vulnerable to these same hurts and heartaches is in His plan. Because brick walls don't only keep out further hurt, they keep in the past. I encourage you to tear yours down too. We can do it together.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

"There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Its nights like this, where I'm laying alone in my bed after a fabulous day of being at home that I wonder why being away is so great. It makes me think. I like being home. It's comfortable, and safe, and well, familiar. But I know that after about a week, I'll be going stir crazy for some shenanigans with my college family. Nights like tonight, with my best friend of 6 years - correction-- sister-- make me think that I don't need anything else. I just need home, love, and family. Life is full of complicated situations and unnecessary drama, why can't it just be as simple as "love." My friend had a shirt on that said "Live Simply," and I've been wondering "what does simply mean?" Does it mean less stuff? Less people? Less distraction? What? I think it looks different for different people, but basically just don't complicate your life. Keep to the necessities. And for me, that means I don't need much to survive: loving family & friends, a place to sleep, and a good book.

Be thankful for the ones in your life that you consider in your inner circle. The ones you can bear your soul to. Because those are rare individuals and rare friendships.

I feel things changing around me, and I think its now that I need to be consciously thankful of who I have in my life because I don't know how long each of them will be there.

Lastly, tonight I thought about support & encouragement. If you have someone that is always your cheerleader and support, thank them. Switch roles and support them in something. Appreciate them.

People can suck sometimes. They disappoint us. They make mistakes they can't take back. They turn on us. BUT most of all, the good ones, love us in the end. We all have faults. You can't heal the brokenness with more hate.

finished

fin·ished/ˈfiniSHt/

Adjective:

(of an action, activity, or piece of work) Having been completed or ended. (of a person) Having completed or ended an action or activity: "they'll be finished here in an hour".

I'm done with the semester.

This has been the most challenging semester yet both academically and emotionally. I've grown leaps and bounds. I've learned in the classroom and out. I've found out who I am. For now. I'm confident in the woman God created me to be. I know that His plan is steady & sure. I know He carries me.

I have my insecurities, my unsure-ities, and my failures. I have my failed expectations, and my mistakes. But God loves me despite them. He heals them & makes up for them.

This semester, I took an immunology course (the study of the immune system). In it, I learned all about how the body fights against infection and pathogens. How these minute cells keep our bodies from being overtaken by invaders. How insanely awesome is just that fact alone?!?! God designed those CELLS. How much more did he design US?

My favorite are the helper T cells (CD4+ T cells) because they do just that: They "help" other cells do their jobs. They don't get the credit for killing the pathogen but without them, killing wouldn't occur. They're the behind the scenes key players. They don't want the glory or the fame; they just want to help.

I'm like a T helper cell. I just want to help, but in helping sometimes I have to

sacrifice myself.

Now that I'm done with school for a little while, I'm going to take myself back for a while. I need to be refilled by my Creator and Maker. I need to be reminded of His love for me, His plan for me, and His purpose.

To Him be the Glory.

In this time of Christmas, I am reminded that I am not enough. Nothing that I do will ever be enough and in no way can I earn place to be enough. However, there is this amazing man, depicted throughout the Bible, who was born a man and was willing to die - to be enough - for my sins.

I read John 20 last night, about the death & resurrection of Christ. It never ceases to amaze me. It seems so simply, clear cut, and easy to comprehend but really its profound! This man - the SON of GOD - chose to come & DIE for me.

Why? So I would be seen as enough.

Because Christ died for me, I am covered in the Book of Life. I am enough because God sees Jesus' death in place of my own.

Single-handedly, I will never be enough. I will fail every time. I'm human, I let people down, I screw up, I say things I shouldn't, I make mistakes. But with Christ, I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I am never alone in my suffering, troubles, tribulations, rejoicing, or praising.

Christ is in me.