Today in my senior capstone class, we reflected on our years at Belmont. For some, the years were few- transfers from other walks in life. For others, the time spent here has been longer, but the journey the same. What impacted me most about these reflections was the common theme of people being molded into who they are now. It's so true that we are changed by our circumstances. Our situations and our pasts do not define us (thank God), but the lessons we learn from them are hugely influential in our future selves. The stories were incredible. Some brought me to tears; broken lives that were pieced together and shown healing through relationships & experiences that Belmont had opened up for them. Others were unique, people having gone to multiple universities, but never finding their niche. They kept searching until they fit somewhere and that place was here. Amazing. Whether they said it or not, the stories all pointed to something/someone bigger than themselves bringing them here. Some sort of divine or higher power that either they followed or found here in Nashville. Several of my classmates referred to God bringing them to Belmont and providing for them here as what has transformed them into the person they are today.
This one girl really intrigued me with her explanation of her time here. She said that she came to Nashville to get into music, that it was a last ditch effort, something she never had planned for, and that college was not in the plan until she found Belmont. She described herself as a free spirit, creative type and said that academia was just not really her thing. But, she came to school, she started classes, and starting becoming an academic. Then, she said it became hard for her to be creative. In her words, "the distance between my heart and my mind grew larger," meaning that she started to over think things rather than just feel them and follow her heart. I am, for the most part, a very black and white person. I think a lot and make decisions mostly on what my brain tells me to do. I don't want you to think that I'm heartless- because I am by far not a heartless person. No, I simply know that my head will be clearer without feeling and it will make the right decisions based on my beliefs, my morals, and what is best for me. I do feel, though. I feel sadness, excitement, joy, and love. I do make decisions based on those sometimes, but not without thinking the decisions through.
I hadn't thought much more about her statement until later on in the day today, though. It didn't strike me as pertinent and crucial to my life until my entire night just went all sorts of wrong and I ended up exactly the opposite of where I thought I would be. I ended up at church, by myself, at a place I have been to no more than three times before tonight. Absolutely, a strange course of events, if you ask me.
BUT, they went exactly as God intended them to go.
This church service is one specifically for college students. Purely made up of a dark room, electric guitar, open arms, hurting hearts, and joyful noise to the Lord. It's called Sanctuary- and nothing has ever lived up to it's name as much as this place. Man, it was my sanctuary tonight. I stood there singing/screaming out my love for Christ and my need for Him. My heart was singing. I was feeling Him, not thinking about Him or anything for that matter. Just living with God, breathing with God, and praising God for His endless mercy & grace towards me. I was "iffy" about going alone. I've always thought that I wasn't one of those people that likes being alone. But the past week, I've been alone a lot and I've actually really enjoyed it. It's time to just be myself and live and not worry about anything. I get to just enjoy God and be ok. Lately, I haven't been ok. I've been thinking too much and not feeling enough. I've been worried about what I'm going to do next year, where I will end up, how I will get there, etc. and all of that is not anything that I can control. God is the only one in control of that. I can't let my academic brain get in the way of me being able to feel.
Belmont has taught me so much over the past 3+ years. I cannot believe how much I have changed in such a short time. I feel like I came into college as a kid pretending to be a grown up and I am leaving as an actual grown up. I have found myself-- no, no I have caught up to myself-- and I still have much searching to do in the future. For now though, I am content with who I have found & the person I have become. I have found passion, love, and friendship in very unexpected places. And the things I thought I would find quickly ended up not being what I expected.
It's all meant to be. No matter who you are, its the journey that makes you the person you are today.
This is one of my favorite songs that they sang tonight. Enjoy :) 10, 000 Reasons
